The Ballad of Done Me Wrong and Maybegirl

by Sandra Bazzarelli



A long-suffering white rapper, Mitchell Dunn changed his name to Done Me Wrong and got a record deal.  His rhymes were, well, they rhymed, but overall he was more of a pin-up boy with a gravelly voice and uneasy smile than a highly esteemed wordsmith.  That is, until he met Maybegirl.

Maybegirl was a poet.  Maybegirl got her name because she looked neither male nor female.  Truthfully, the name Maybeboy could have just as easily stuck.  But Maybegirl was the name that rolled off the tongues of her tormentors most efficiently.  Some guys in the projects teased her, beat her up sometimes for being what they perceived to be a lesbian.  But Maybegirl, tucked inside her baggy clothes, baseball cap, and general hip hop gear, wasn’t a lesbian.  Maybegirl was just trying to hide.

Depending on the day, Maybegirl could have up to fifteen poems scrawled on her skin in black ink.  The ones she didn’t like she washed off in the shower at night.  The ones she did like she traced into herself with the slim pink box cutter that had come in some kiddie pencil case she bought at the local dollar store.



While in the city promoting his latest CD, Done Me Wrong made an uncharacteristic stop at the McDonald’s of his youth.  As a kid he had frequented the very same McDonald’s because, as a kid, Done Me Wrong had been absolutely fat.  The kind of fat only parental neglect and fast food could inspire.  Instead of going to school, Done Me Wrong would ride his bike over the bridge and into the city.  He’d meet up with a bunch of young wannabe graffiti artists and break dancers who spent the bulk of their school days underground, riding the subway and talking about hip hop.  Not one of them had any real talent for anything hip hop related, but they had passion and plenty of time on their hands.  Time that was, of course, afforded to them thanks to the lack of adult interest and guidance in their lives.  Still, one of them, Rudy Heart, perhaps the biggest hip hop fan of their adolescent group, managed to maintain a full brain’s worth of imagination and business savvy to make use of all that extra time they had.

Rudy Heart did not fail to notice that his friend, Mitchell Dunn, at only fourteen, already had a presence.  He had a quality about him that went far beyond the cloud of tobacco smoke that trailed him.  The husky voice that hugged his words managed to transform his soft blue-eyed gaze into a cold menacing stare.  Anything he said had an inherent, yet unsettling authority to it.  Like a cop.  But a filthy one.

“Listen,” he said to Mitchell one afternoon as they devoured French fries by the handful, “I think you could probably rap.  Maybe you could be an MC or something.  I could be your manager.  We could develop you as an artist who has something original to say and then you could just, you know, say it.”

The rest of the group laughed and threw French fries at Rudy Heart.

“He’s too fuckin’ fat, yo,” one remarked.

“Yeah, man,” said another.  “Plus, I ain’t never heard him spit.  Not a word.”

“For real,” said another.  “All he do is talk some bullshit… and eat.”

Rudy dug into his knapsack for his magazine.  There, on the cover:  The Fat Boys.

“You could be a Fat Boy, but without the jokes.  A serious Fat Boy,” said Rudy Heart sincerely.  “You could speak to people.”

The group of boys laughed themselves off their hard plastic seats, but Mitchell did not laugh.

He left.

Mitchell walked out of McDonald’s that day and never went back.  He had decided that, yeah, maybe Rudy Heart had a point.  Maybe he could rap.  Maybe if he tried.  Maybe he had something to say.  But in his mind he was more LL Cool J than Fat Boy.  He still rode his bike into the city every day, but not to meet up with his friends.  He rode his bike into the city for exercise and then back into the suburbs for more.  By the time he was sixteen, Mitchell, with the help of puberty, had lost weight, shot up six inches, and turned into Done Me Wrong.  He could have just as easily called himself Bitches Wanna Do Me Now, but he wanted something that played on the misfortune his father’s name had brought him.  He still smoked, but now, given his imposing physical stature, the smoking appeared less unhealthful on him.  And he never drank.  Never.  His father had done enough of that to fulfill the taste for drink for five, maybe six generations of Dunns to come.



Done Me Wrong filed into the McDonald’s line alone, just ahead of Maybegirl.  This was his first time back at this spot since he was a kid.  He cautiously approached the counter.  He didn’t want to be recognized.  He was a star, after all, despite what the critics thought of him.

“Yeah,” he said, “lemme get a Big Mac, a large fry, and a large Coke.”

But when the time came to pay, Done Me Wrong realized that he didn’t have any money on him.  The truth is, his bodyguard always carried his money for him.  But he had left Bugs at the hotel and stepped out on his own today.

“You know what?” he said.  “Keep it.  I left my wallet back at the hotel.”

The young girl behind the counter let out a dramatic labored sigh.

“Here,” a small voice said as a slender hand pushed money onto the counter.

“Thanks,” Done Me Wrong said, turning quickly to face the owner of the hand.  “I’ll pay you back.  I just gotta run to my hotel.”

“Forget it,” Maybegirl responded.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’m, like, a fan.”



Across from one another Done Me Wrong and Maybegirl sat at a window table with their respective trays in front of them.

“Why don’t you take off your ball cap?” Done Me Wrong said to Maybegirl, hoping to get a better look at her.

“Why don’t you take off yours?” Maybegirl responded, without looking up from her nuggets.

Their conversation veered from dipping sauces to the Beastie Boys.  From bubble down jackets to the crispy original hot apple pie that had been sacrificed so that the overly cinnamon-y soggy one offered at the McDonald’s of late could survive.

“They still got ’em in Europe though,” said Done Me Wrong.  “The original ones without the slats.  My bodyguard, Bugs, had one in Italy last week.  Europeans don’t worry about burnin’ their fuckin’ tongues like we do.  They know how to eat.  Plus,” he added, “they don’t fuckin’ sue when they don’t.”

Both Done Me Wrong and Maybegirl laughed.

“You didn’t have one while you were there?” asked Maybegirl.  “For, like, old school’s sake?”

“Nah,” said Done Me Wrong.  “I gotta watch the pounds and shit.  I gotta work out or else I blow up real fast.  My old man’s the same.  At least he was last time I seen him.  He’s a fat fuck, that one.  Real fuckin’ fat.”

“I’m fat too,” said Maybegirl sheepishly.

“Nah,” said Done Me Wrong.  “You ain’t fat.  You just layered as fuck, girl.  How many layers you rockin’?  It ain’t even that cold out.”

Maybegirl smiled and looked Done Me Wrong squarely in his eyes.  He had addressed her as girl without asking first.

“What’s your name, anyway?” asked Done Me Wrong.

Maybegirl had seen his face in magazines.  Seen him in his videos.  She could hardly believe she was sitting across from him right now.  And he regarded her as a girl without having to be told what she was.  He was sure.  This made her sure.  She could hardly believe she had the opportunity to tell him what she had been wanting to tell him for years.

“My name’s Maybegirl,” she said.  “And your rhymes are shit.  Some of the worst I’ve ever heard.  Like, the worst.”

Done Me Wrong stared at Maybegirl incredulously.

“For real,” she added.

“I thought you said you was a fan,” Done Me Wrong replied.

“I am,” said Maybegirl.

“So you’re a fan of shit then?” asked Done Me Wrong, trying to contain his frustration.

“No,” she said.  “I’m a fan of yours.”

“Not my rhymes,” said Done Me Wrong.

“Not your rhymes,” said Maybegirl.



Done Me Wrong’s latest CD was a terrific flop.  His record label dropped him and stopped taking his calls.  His girlfriend dumped him for an American Idol runner–up.  One by one his past hits began appearing in television commercials without his permission.  He couldn’t do anything about it.  The suits owned them.  They had thrown him away because they didn’t need him anymore.  The songs, on the other hand, provided a very different narrative.  Those they needed.  Tampons, cars, and orange juice, they all needed Done Me Wrong’s hits.  Done Me Wrong, in a panic to save his career, his money, and what was left of his credibility, dropped his management team immediately and got on the horn with a man who had become the most successful music mogul in the business.

“Yo,” Done Me Wrong said into his phone in the same authoritative tone he always used, regardless of whether or not he had any actual authority.

“What up, Fat Boy?” said Rudy Heart.  “It’s been a long time.”

Within moments of their first meeting in Rudy Heart’s plush Upper East Side office, Done Me Wrong felt immediately humbled.

“So,” said Rudy Heart, “the problem is your rhymes are shit.”

“Yeah, well,” said Done Me Wrong, “shit or not, my rhymes is sellin’ all kinds of other shit and I ain’t gettin’ shit in return.  Turn on your fuckin’ television, Rudy.  You’ll see what I’m talkin’ about.”

“I’ve already seen,” said Rudy.  “And I’m not surprised.”

“Well, I’m surprised,” said Done Me Wrong.

“Again,” said Rudy, “I’m not surprised.”



Maybegirl was well aware of Done Me Wrong’s troubled times, but not having asked for Done Me Wrong’s number, and having not been asked for hers, Maybegirl had left their McDonald’s afternoon together with nothing more than a handshake and a polite thank you for lunch.  She had offended him, Maybegirl figured.  She had offended Done Me Wrong by telling him his rhymes were shit.



“Listen,” said Rudy Heart, “I know you’re probably used to being told how fucking awesome you are but, I’m telling you, if we’re going to fix this we have to be straight with one another.  Your writing doesn’t cut it.  You’re not saying anything.  Nobody cares.  Being good looking and in good shape isn’t enough.  Not anymore.  Where’s the substance?  Where’d you go, man?”

“I’m still here,” said Done Me Wrong, looking down at his fifteen hundred dollar pair of sneakers.

“Good,” said Rudy Heart.  “But you aren’t going to be invited to stay unless the people can connect with you.  You get what I’m saying?  They have to get what you’re saying.”

“I get what you’re sayin’,” said Done Me Wrong.

“Good,” replied Rudy Heart, throwing Done Me Wrong a nod toward the door.  “Now get the fuck out of here and go write something real.  If I’m going to get you your bloody tampon money,” he laughed, “I have to get to work here.  I have to get on it.”  Trying to stifle more laughter, he added, “I’ve got to get on the rag for you, homey.”



Maybegirl had not written a poem in two days.  She was beginning to feel anxious.  Into the McDonald’s bathroom she went with her pink box cutter.  Sitting on the toilet, her thighs exposed to her, Maybegirl set out to carve into herself without first writing a poem upon herself in her favored black ink.  She didn’t have the words at the moment, just the need.  With the pink box cutter, Maybegirl cut a deep heart the size of a dime into the fleshiest part of her left thigh.  Blood gushed forth immediately.  She breathed heavily and held a wad of toilet paper over the wound.  Then, reaching into one of her many pockets, Maybegirl pulled out a small stack of gauze pads and a roll of surgical tape.  Quickly replacing the toilet paper with the gauze pads and throwing it into the toilet water under her, Maybegirl applied pressure to the wound with one hand.  Finally, with her other hand and her teeth, Maybegirl cut two long strips of surgical tape and stretched them over the gauze pads in an X formation to secure them.

“Ohmigod!  Ohmigod!” she heard two teenage girls squeal as they entered the bathroom.

“I can’t believe Done Me Wrong signed my arm!  I’m never gonna wash it,” screeched one.

“He is soooooooo hot,” exclaimed the other.  “I’m gonna go get him and bring him in here so I can blow him.”

“Just blow him?” asked the one in mock disbelief.  “I’m gonna go ask him if he wants to fuck the shit outta me.”

The girls burst out in a fit of giddy giggles.

Maybegirl could tell that they were only half joking.



“Hey,” Maybegirl said, standing to Done Me Wrong’s right as he signed female body parts and posed for pictures on the sidewalk.

“Maybegirl,” said Done Me Wrong softly.  “I been lookin’ for you.”

Once again Maybegirl looked Done Me Wrong in his eyes.  Only this time, she had to look up from under her baseball cap, and he had to look down from under his.

“Why were you looking for me?” she asked, just as the small crowd of his female fans had begun to disperse.

“The thing is,” Done Me Wrong replied, “I think I need your help.”

Maybegirl shuffled her feet a bit.  She wore sneakers too, but the cheap ones.  Cheaper ones.

“Yeah,” said Maybegirl, “I think I might need your help too.”

Done Me Wrong nodded his head and steadily observed the small sad figure standing in front of him.

“You know what I think, girl?” said Done Me Wrong.  “I think you might need my help first.”

Then, to both the surprise of Done Me Wrong and Maybegirl alike, Maybegirl began to weep.  Done Me Wrong, without hesitating, reached out to Maybegirl and pulled her toward him.  With his arms around her, at first, he couldn’t feel her inside all those layers.  He had to keep squeezing until he actually found her in there.  When he finally did, he was relieved.

“In case you don’t already know,” he said, holding her close to him, his chin resting on top of her head, “Mitchell.  My real name’s Mitchell.”

Then, into his chest, Maybegirl, feeling safe and loved and understood for the first time in her life whispered, “Gregory.”






SANDRA BAZZARELLI is a singer/songwriter and writing instructor from Bergen County, New Jersey. She earned her BA in Literature and Writing from Columbia University, and her MA in English Education from NYU. The more healthful her eating habits become, the more McDonald’s crops up in her writing.

Captain Neptunium and Lady U-boat

by Mike Sweeney


NOW



I’ve just dropkicked Calutron into the Raritan River but it won’t put him down for long.  I need to get my bearings.  I need to figure out what the hell’s gone wrong.  Calutron was always a mechanized, mindless brute, but his power has been amped up.  He can hurt me.  He can make me bleed.

Also, purple lightning shoots out of his fists when he hits something.  None of that is good.

My mind pulls up the details of his file.  He was some sort of defense contractor testing out a new exoskeleton for NATO.  It was supposed to help with disarming IEDs, make the operator invulnerable to explosions.  Terrorists planted a dirty bomb in Brussels.  He went in to disarm it.  It detonated and he threw himself on the explosion.  He saved the city, but the radioactive isotope fused the suit to his flesh and wiped away his conscious mind.  Last I heard he was in stasis in a facility outside Chicago.

I weave up and down the aisles of the recycling warehouse looking for any sign of Warrior.  I pass stack after stack of rotting pulp until I stumble upon the crumpled body of Professor Majestic – necromancer, dark shaman, and all around malcontent.  On the ground next to him is a large, inverted pentagram drawn in blood with the word “Calutron” written in the center.  Next to the professor is an ancient-looking book with the word “Majick” cut into the battered leather cover.

I don’t know much about the supernatural, but I do know that any time “magic” is spelled with a “j” and a superfluous “k” slapped on the end, it’s never a good thing.  Whatever book Professor Majestic was using, I can bet it wasn’t about communing with the Mother Goddess.

Mixing dark mystical forces with cutting edge military industrial technology is always a bad idea.  I’d like to tell Professor Majestic that he’s a magnificent jackass for doing so but since his head has been twisted nearly completely around, I don’t think there’s much point.

Magic is most superheroes’ Achilles’ heel and I’m no exception.

I don’t think this is going to end well.


THEN



His name is Jackhammer Jack and he was an old friend of my dad’s.

He’s short and squat and, even though he has to be pushing eighty, he looks like he could still rip the arms off a Deathray Android without breaking a sweat.

His hands are like catcher’s mitts and they envelop mine as we shake.  He takes the glowing butt of a cigarette out of his mouth and stubs it out on the underside of the bar.  He coughs, thick and wet.

He smiles and his face warms my heart.  It reminds me of epic battles and purer times.  I picture myself in my footy pajamas watching Eyewitness News.  My dad and Jack are on TV battling the hydra-monster Khidro atop the Driscoll Bridge.  Or I think about the time when they and Emerald Mage were the only local heroes to stand against the Red Gang.  My dad put my sister and I into hiding while he and the others fought what would come to be known as the Polarity War.

They won, of course, but most said it was only because they finally got some outside help from Him.  I think that always galled my dad: that his greatest victory wouldn’t have been possible without assistance from one of the heroes he always derided as “the Big Shots.”  This was Jersey, he should’ve been able to protect it on his own.

I resist the urge to look at Jack’s chest, to see how far the cancer’s progressed at the cellular level.  He looks good.  His face is ruddy, his grin infectious.  He’s telling me about his daughters and grandkids.  He puts his massive hands on my shoulders and pulls me down close.  He says what he always says.

“You know, Matty, your dad would be awful proud of you, right?  You and your sister both.  But especially you.  You picked up the torch, you take care of business.  That would mean a lot to him.  It means a lot to a lot people.”

I smile and nod like I believe him.

They’re holding a party at the Union Beach Firehouse in a couple weeks to mark the thirtieth anniversary of the defeat of Doctor Centrifuge.  I promise Jack I’ll see him there.    We shake hands one more time and I watch him open the door and disappear into the daylight, his squat, bulky frame blocking out the sun for a moment.

The rest of Charlie’s Place is nearly empty.  It’s just me, the bartender, and three guys in the corner arguing about hockey.

I don’t drink but I like coming to Charlie’s anyway.  No one bothers me here and sometimes I run into Jack.  I can sit quietly on my stool and pensively sip my Stewart’s Cream Soda.  Charlie stocks it special for me.  It comes in a brown glass bottle that looks like a beer from a distance.  I like the fact that it gives me the perception of having a vice.

I am, in case you haven’t surmised, the boy scout of the family.  I took to it naturally; it’s not forced.  I think it’s because deep down I always wanted to be one of the Big Shots.  I think maybe my dad wanted me to be one too.  I think he wanted me to have that level of notoriety and legitimacy.

My father was a good man who saved a lot of lives.  But the world never really let him forget that he was a construction worker who just happened to get struck by lightning atop a titanium I-beam.

No one ever understood his transformation really.  Some said it was because of the special metal and intense electricity; others said it because of the Perseids that night.  Whatever it was, when he woke in the hospital, he had the strength of twenty men and skin almost impervious to damage.  The next morning, he got up and dressed like he was going back to work on the site, except he tied a blue tablecloth around his neck.  Then he started helping people.

He couldn’t fly, of course.  But, God, was he strong.  And he could hit.

The Leveler, they called him.

For years, he was loved and revered by the people of New Jersey, until — as eventually happens to most things that are revered — he became a source of ridicule.  In the Nineties, “silly” replaced “simple” in describing the blue tablecloth he still used as a cape.  He started to be criticized over civil liberties, maybe rightly so.  I don’t know.  Other people questioned why he always turned a blind eye to the Jersey mob.

He didn’t have to endure the criticism long.  Once my sister and I turned eighteen, it was like Dad doubled down on his smoking.  When we were young, he knew we needed him.  Once we were old enough to take care of ourselves, I think he did what he always wanted to do.  He set about joining our mom.

He died eight months before the Towers fell.  Afterwards, people wanted heroes again.  Everything bad that was said about the Leveler was forgotten.  He got a bronze statue in Newark. QMX released a limited edition reproduction of his blue tablecloth-cape.  They go for two grand on eBay now.  He was also given the highest honor any New Jerseyan can hope for: they named a rest stop on the Turnpike after him.  It’s a nice one, too.

The next year, my sister and I came into our own.  We helped some of the Big Shots (yeah, I call them that too) defeat the Invasion of the Cephalatroids.  Suddenly we were legitimate heroes in our own right, not just teen curiosities anymore.

In 2004, Kelly joined an international team of heroes that responded to the tsunami in Indonesia.  You’ve probably seen the photo of her holding that little girl on the cover of National Geographic.  It’s when things really took off for Kelly, when presidential candidates started trying to get her endorsement, when she started getting invites to movie premiers.  Vanity Fair asked her to guest-edit.  If I’m the family’s boy scout, she’s the rock star.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We’re complete opposites, but our powers are essentially the same.  She can fly a little faster than me; I’m a little stronger than her.  No one’s sure how we got the ocular powers and they’re our only real difference.  I have Molecular Vision; she has Ice Sight.

Kelly says people like her better, but they rely on me more.  She also tells me that she’s the Xena to my Hercules and I have no idea what that means.  Pop culture isn’t my strong suit outside comics, and even there my knowledge stops around 1985.  That’s probably why I went with the retro costume and the Golden Age moniker.

Kelly, on the other hand, picked her name because she thought it sounded cool.  I tried to tell her a “U-boat” was a Nazi submarine.  She said it still sounded cool.  I stressed that the Nazis were led by Hitler.  She told me she’d redefine it.  I said that didn’t make any sense.  She said she was going to take back “U-boat” and make it a good thing again.  I said it never really was a good thing.  She said she had the perfect leather jacket.  She showed it to me.  It was really cool.

And thus was born her costume.  The “un-costume” as it would come to be known.  Lady U-boat wore the cool hip-length black leather jacket with a white t-shirt, black Levi’s, and Doc Marten’s.  The finishing touch was a pair of oversized, bright yellow roper gloves.  They made no sense whatsoever, but somehow my sister made them work perfectly.

The world at large loved the costume.  It’s always a best seller for little girls at Halloween.  Parents like that it’s dynamic without being overtly sexual.  The Huffington Post congratulated Kelly for being a female super hero who looks like she doesn’t get paid in singles.

Neither of us wears a mask.  Everyone knew we were the Leveler’s kids.  There was never any question about who we really were.  So we didn’t construct secret identities.  We just had secrets.


NOW



I extract my face from the twisted metal and plastic of what used to be the back end of a Honda Accord.

A tattered bumper sticker hangs off my cheek.  It says, “Snooki’s from NY.”

I have no idea what that means.

My head is still ringing from being flung through eight stacks of newspaper and a brick wall, before landing on the Honda.  I wipe the blood from my chin and try to remember the last time I bled this much, if at all.

Across the street, a man and woman are huddled behind a VW bus.  The woman snaps my picture with her cell phone as I take off.  I have a feeling that’ll wind up on The Star Ledger’s website tomorrow.

My first instinct is to charge full bore back into the warehouse.  Calutron is so much stronger than me, but he can’t fly.  If I can keep dropping him in the river, maybe I can buy time for back up to arrive.

But first I need to find Garden State Warrior, to see if he’s still alive.

In the warehouse, I hear Calutron baying.  Purple lightning flashes through shattered windows.

I can’t leave him alone for long.

I ascend a half mile and scan the area below.

My mind conjures an image from childhood: I once dropped an action figure from the top of the stairs onto the ceramic tile of our foyer.  Warrior’s legs look the way the toy’s did when it landed.  He lays motionless in an alley two blocks from the river.

I zoom in on him with my Molecular Vision: he’s barely breathing, with multiple broken bones and internal hemorrhaging.  He doesn’t have long.

I brace myself and descend with a sonic boom. I swoop into the warehouse and ram my shoulder into Calutron’s chest.  The two of us crash through an already shattered window.  He gets in two good shots before I break contact.  He draws blood from my arm and crunches a rib hard enough that I’m sure it’s broken.

By the time he’s splashing into the river, I’ve already pivoted and made it to Warrior’s position.  There’s no way in hell I should move him, but there’s no choice.  If he stays here, he’s going to die.  I scoop him up as gently as I can and whisk him back to the destroyed Honda.

The man and woman have the VW bus started and are just pulling away when they see me.  They stop and open the side door.

“Take him to the nearest hospital,” I say.  “Please.”

The woman raises her phone to take another picture of me as I place Warrior in the backseat, his legs dangling from my arms like a rag doll’s.  She stops and lowers her phone.  There’s a question on her face, one I’m thankful she doesn’t ask.  I swallow hard and it tastes like pennies.

On the riverbank, I can hear Calutron roaring as he climbs ashore.


THEN



It’s nearly eight and I settle my bill with the bartender.  Charlie told me long ago that my money was no good in his place, but I insist on paying anyway.  Dad always did.

The guys in the corner have made peace on hockey and joined forces to savage Eli Manning.  I pass them on my way to the men’s room.  We live in a world without phone booths, so I change into my costume in the dingy stall in back of Charlie’s Place before slipping into the alleyway.  I don’t like people to see me take off if I can help it.  It freaks them out more than you’d think.

Flying itself is more disturbing than you’d guess.  In dreams, there’s not the bone-chilling cold, there’s not the overwhelming sense of emptiness a solitary human figure feels in the midst of the sky three miles above the planet.  It takes some getting used to.

I do like the solitude of it now.  I like to spend a half hour each night just floating off the Jersey coast before going on watch with the Lighthouse.

Kelly and I get our flight abilities from mom.  Nuclear Woman didn’t have much in the way of invulnerability, though.  She couldn’t even survive giving birth to twins.

Yeah, I get maudlin sometimes.

In our townhouse in Hoboken, on my bedroom door, my sister has taped a poster printed out from the Internet.  It shows a red-eyed, cherubic teen of indeterminate sex, with multiple piercings.  Underneath it says, “Emo: it’s like Goth for pussies.”

It’s her way of reminding me to cheer up.

I wish I could say I could help it, but I can’t.  I’ll give you a moment to go Google “dysthymia” if you’ve never heard of it.  Literally, it means “ill humor” in Greek.  Clinically, it’s described as a long-lasting – in some cases lifelong – low-level depression, with occasional forays into major depression.  Being dysthymic is a bit like have the psychological equivalent of AIDS: your emotional immune system just isn’t up to the task.  Little things can bring you down; big things can trigger something far worse.

When I was seventeen, I drove my ‘75 Duster into a concrete embankment at 90 miles per hour.  I had a titanium blade duct-taped to the steering wheel and pointed at my heart to seal the deal.  The car was incinerated; the blade bent in half.  I woke up with a really bad headache, my eyebrows singed off, and not much else wrong with me.

I couldn’t tell you exactly why I did it now.  I’m sure it had something to do with a girl, most likely a blond one.  Beyond that… it’s hard to explain why you want to destroy yourself.  It’s just seemed my whole life that something wasn’t right, that something was off, that I didn’t get what most people get.  It just seemed, far too often, that things would be simpler if all this was over.

It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older, I think.  The SSRI helps a lot.  It changed everything in my twenties.  And being a superhero isn’t a bad thing.  I know that sounds conceited, but there actually is an upside to having a profession where evil geniuses and space monsters are constantly plotting your demise: it makes you want to live.

There are times though when I still think of a form of self-destruction, more societal than physical.  I think about just leaving.

Back in ’04 while Kelly and the others were in Indonesia, the Lost Continent of Lemuria surfaced off the coast of New Jersey and made a land claim to Monmouth and Ocean Counties.  They said the territory was promised to them before recorded history by Elfar the Impertinent under the Treaty of Pangaea.

Needless to say, it surprised the hell out of everyone.  First, Lemuria was supposed to be in the Indian Ocean.  Second, well, it was a lost fucking continent surfacing off the coast of New Jersey.

I was on my own pretty much.  I tried to be diplomatic.  I pointed out that no one (including the Lemurians) had an actual copy of the Treaty of Pangaea since pre-recorded history had no records.  I might’ve also offered them Staten Island instead.  I forget.  Either way, they declined my parlay and launched Killer Aquabots.  I destroyed the attack wave and defeated the Lemurian Queen’s champion in personal combat on the sands of Seaside.  The land claim was withdrawn.  Queen Nera and I negotiated a peace and Lemuria receded beneath the waves.

That was the moment Jersey really took me into its heart.  I’d saved the state single-handedly.  The governor gave me an award.  The cast of The Sopranos sent me an autographed poster of the Bing Girls.  Bruce Springsteen invited me over his house for a barbecue.  Kelly made sure I listened to some of his CDs before I went.  I actually liked the acoustic stuff.  I remember leaving his farm that night after dinner, thinking I really should’ve been happier than I was.

Before Lemuria re-submerged, Queen Nera offered to take me as her consort.  When I asked what that would involve, she replied, “Not wearing clothes a lot.”  She also told me she knew I’d never accept, that I could never leave Jersey or my sister.  Some nights, I don’t know.  Some nights, I’d like to prove her wrong, to forget everything about myself, and disappear with Nera forever beneath the waves, a kind of living suicide.

Like I said: maudlin.

The communicator on my left wrist beeps, my sister’s personal line.

“Yeah?  Kell?”

The voice on the other end is tentative, unsure.

“Um, hello?  Hello?  Is this the Captain?”

Unconsciously, I drop my voice two octaves before answering.

“This is Captain Neptunium, how can I help, friend?”

“Um… uh… wow.”

“It would help, friend, if I knew to whom I was speaking.”

“Right.  My name’s Kenny.  I manage a K-Mart.  Down in Hazlet.”

“I’m pleased to make your acquaintance, Kenny.  Why do you have my sister’s communication device?”

“It’s…uh…she’s here in my store.  In one of the dressing rooms.  She doesn’t seem like herself.”

“Right, friend.  You did the correct thing contacting me.  If you give me your address I’ll be there shortly.”

“Oh, wow.  Okay.  It’s on Route 35.  By the Pathmark.”

“I’ll find it.  Captain Neptunium out!”

I click off the communication device.

My sister is in the worst kind of trouble.


NOW



Have you ever had fireworks go off inside your brain while undergoing an unanesthetized root canal?

Me neither, but that’s the best comparison I can make to what it feels like when Calutron rams his fist into my face.  The metal-reinforced tissue of his knuckles cuts and rends my flesh while the purple lightning invades and sears.

He has me by the neck with one hand while the other pummels me steadily, rhythmically.

At least the blinding pain is keeping me from passing out.

I can’t take much more of this.  I need to break his grip.

There’s only one option.

Did you ever wonder why superheroes run and jump when they take flight?  It makes no sense: if you can defy gravity, should you really need to jump to get airborne?

We do it to ease into flight.  It’s less harsh on the body.  I could go from standing still to 300 miles per hour in under a second, but it’s not a healthy thing, even for someone with super powers.  The torque on the body created by a “cold start” is tremendous.

A “cold start” is exactly what I’m about to do.  Sideways.

I suspect one of two things will happen: either I’ll break Calutron’s grip and be free or I won’t, in which case my neck will probably snap or possibly come clean off my body.

When this is all over maybe I can I have a nice philosophical discussion about what it means that someone who once deliberately tried to kill himself employed a near-suicidal tactic in an attempt to live.

Calutron cocks his arm back, ready to deliver another blow.  Purple static crackles along his knuckles.  I tuck my legs up into my abdomen and kick down for extra force.  I surge ahead into flight and ramp up my speed to maximum in milliseconds.

I don’t break free.

Calutron drags along behind me.  My neck goes numb.  I can’t breathe.  I feel like my Adam’s apple will pop through the front of my throat.

We crash through the warehouse wall.

I have one more chance: I stop dead in mid-air, tucking my shoulders forward.  Every muscle in my body screams.  Calutron finally lets go and hurtles over me towards the river, his howl a long bleat of rage as he speeds away from me.

I spiral down onto the tattered asphalt of an abandoned parking lot and make a small crater on impact.

I hear Calutron splash into the water.

The good thing about people trying to kill you is it makes you want to live.

That might make a nice epitaph.


THEN



I alight atop a pallet of Die Hard batteries.  Kenny the K-Mart manager looks up at me in awe.  Theatrics are more a part of this job than I like.  I bound up onto the loading dock and Kenny follows me into the stockroom.

“It’s Toxic Jane, isn’t it?” he whispers.  “She’s back and up to her old tricks, right?”

I stop in my tracks and put a hand on his shoulder for emphasis.  I make a display of looking around, even though I know we’re the only two people in the stockroom.

“Can you keep a secret, friend?”
Kenny nods his head dutifully.

“It was Taranis,” I say gravely. “He escaped from the Imperium Dimension. We sent him back but not before he dosed Lady U-boat with Avalon Gas.”

“Taranis,” Kenny repeats.  He mouths the word silently a second time, as if afraid to say it out loud again.

“You see, friend, the panic it would create if word got out.”

Kenny gathers himself and nods, slowly, signaling that he grasps the full weight of the situation.  He sets his hands on his hips and looks me square in the eye.  “No one will hear it from me, Captain.  I swear it.”

“Good.  And my sister’s current condition?  It would be best if no one knew about that either.”

Kenny places his hand on my forearm.  He’s my ally now.  My comrade.

“I won’t breathe a word of it.  I know how the kids look up to her.  My little one goes running around the house with those big yellow gloves on.”  His eyes brighten as he remembers something.  He pulls out his cell phone.

“Her name’s Annie.  She’s four.”

I stare down into a little square of light.  It shows a tiny blonde girl wearing a miniature version of my sister’s leather jacket and big yellow gloves.

“She’s a darling,” I say and I think Kenny can tell my voice is cracking.

“It was Halloween,” he says.

It’s my turn to nod gravely.  I hand him back his cell phone.

“I should get to my sister,” I say in a low husk.

Kenny points me towards the employees’ entrance to the dressing rooms.  He’s a good and decent man to whom I’ve consistently lied.  He straightens his back and salutes me.

I stop myself from wincing.  My right hand juts up to my brow, stiff and firm.

“Thank you, friend,” I say and turn with my trademark flourish, the silver and black of my cape snapping in the air.

I haven’t made his day; I’ve validated his life.

The store is closed and the dressing rooms abandoned.  I find Kelly sitting on the floor in the corner.  She has her hands wrapped around her legs and she’s rocking gently.

She makes a fist of her right hand and holds it up to me.  I do the same and we touch the knuckles of our ring fingers.

“Wonder Twin powers,” she starts.

“Activate,” I finish.

I’m guessing we’re about seven years old right now.

I stopped on the way for bagels – from Eli’s, her favorite.  I hand her one and she reaches for it cautiously before snatching it greedily.  I set a box of apple juice on the ground in front of her, making sure to remove the little straw from the plastic and plug it into the drink for her.

I sit cross-legged on the ground, my cape tucked underneath me.  I chew my own bagel.

I take out the bottle of her medication that I always keep with me.  I carry it because, well, after a while that’s what you fucking do.  I don’t say anything about it.  I set it down beside me.

We talk a little.

She smiles sometimes.

We talk some more.

I wait for her to take her pill.

It takes about twenty minutes until she finally extends her hand.  I pass her one of the little blue tablets and she weighs it in her palm before popping it into her mouth.  She downs it with a gulp of apple juice.

Kelly nods, resigned.  I scoop her up and fly her home.


NOW



The side of the recycling warehouse looks like Swiss cheese.  Calutron and I have made at least a half dozen man-sized holes in the brick wall that faces the Raritan River.  Most of the windows are blown out too.

I roll out of my mini-crater in the abandoned parking lot and start stumbling back.  I don’t think I should try flying just yet.  My neck feels like it’s three feet long but at least it’s attached to my body.

I still have a few more minutes.  The only good thing about Calutron being half metal is it takes him a while to get out of the water.   Maybe if I could get him out to the ocean somehow…

The communicator on my right wrists buzzes.

“Matty?”

“Still with you, Panther.”

“Matty, maybe I should come down there.”

“No.  I need at you at the Lighthouse.”

Purple Panther would just get herself killed here.  She has no meta-powers and is also starting to get on in years.  She still keeps in great shape though.  Warrior says she should change her name from “Panther” to “Cougar.”  Warrior still subscribes to Maxim.

My mind shuts down the image of his legs, mangled and bent in the alleyway.

“Any word?” I ask.

Panther takes a long time answering.

“Warrior’s in surgery,” she says.  “Fifty-fifty.  At best.”

“Any luck with the outside?  I could really use Him.”

“I know,” Panther says.  “But He doesn’t always answer.  I can’t get a hold of any of the heavy weights.”

“Keep trying,” I say.

“Your sister?” Panther asks.

“Stays out of this.”  I click off the communication device.

Calutron’s pulling himself ashore again.  I hear his howls, manic and furious.  Even for someone filled with mindless rage, he sounds particularly pissed off.

I look around.  I could use something really big to drop on him.


THEN



The upper floor of our Hoboken townhouse is all Kelly’s.  An award from GLAAD is framed over the fireplace.  She was their Woman of the Year in ’09.   She does a lot of outreach with the LGBT community, especially with teenagers.  She’s become something of an icon.         She’s sleeping now on a leather settee, wrapped in a Powerpuff Girls blanket I got her for Christmas when we were nineteen.  For someone so powerful, she seems incredibly small right now.

I’ll sit with her as long as I can, in case she wakes up.  The pills make her sleepy — one of her many complaints about them.  Especially when she first starts taking them again, the drowsiness is at its worst.  She should be on them full-time – or on something anyway – but she won’t go see a doctor.  I got the medication through a combination of explaining her symptoms to my own shrink and research on the Internet.  Then I stole a batch from the factory in France.

Not very boy scout-ish of me.

She won’t go see a psychiatrist.  Asking her to do so is a guaranteed way to get her to stop talking to me for a week.

Once she dropkicked me to Uganda at the end of our “discussion” of the subject.

The pills help, when she takes them.  Beyond that I’m not even sure what the hell is wrong with her.  A few times a year she just sort of…shuts down.  Sometimes, she’s almost feral, like a super-heightened sense of panic.  When she gets like that, it’s easy to understand how people used to think the mentally ill were possessed.  It’s not just her behavior that changes, it’s her appearance as well: her eyes seem to recede into her face, her shoulders hunch, her movements become rapid and jerky.  It scares the shit out of me.

Other times it’s milder, more childlike, like tonight.  But her mannerisms still change: the way she chewed on her bagel, nibbling around the edges exactly the way she did when we were six.  Watching her at those times is like being in a time machine – a really disturbing, unsettling time machine.

And then she’s fine.  She takes the pills – the ones you’re supposed to stay on for six months or a year – for about ten days, feels better, and is the same old Kelly: my best friend and the one person in the world I’d most want to have at my side staring down a mutant giant squid with deadly hot plasma breath.

I think sometimes I have it easier with the dysthymia.  It’s always there and that makes it clearer that you have to treat it fulltime.  There’s no let up.  Kelly can go long stretches without an episode, long enough for her to convince herself that they’re never going to happen again.

But they always do.

And I worry every day that this will be the day she has another one.

And I lie to people like Kenny the K-mart manager to keep it secret.

And I steal drugs from France so that she sort-of-kind-of treats it, but not really.

I’ve said she was stupid about her condition before.  When I’m feeling less charitable – like now – I think “selfish” is the correct word.

The first time it happened, I got a call from the Electrician.  He was a minor supervillain who my dad busted so many times he was practically family.  They’d stop off at Charlie’s for a couple of beers on their way to the jail.

Kelly had wandered into his lair down in Egg Harbor and settled under a card table.  She wouldn’t come out.  She wouldn’t speak.

It was a few years after our dad’s death.

I sat with her and talked for three hours until she’d move.

In the other room, the Electrician’s minions were counting his latest haul. They’d knocked over the main vault at the Borgata.  It was a big score, the Electrician’s retirement money.

I should’ve arrested the lot of them.

The Electrician put his arm around my shoulder and said, “Keep it quiet, kid.  Keep it in the family.  I had an aunt like that.  She’ll be all right.”

I told him to take the money and leave the country.

He’s got a place now in the Bahamas.  I hear it’s nice.

The communication device on my left wrist beeps once before I answer.

“Yes?” I whisper.

“Matty?  Where are you?”  Purple Panther is trying to keep the panic out of her voice.  She’s not doing a very good job.

“Hoboken,” I say.  “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Warrior.  He’s in trouble.  Down in the Amboys.  Calutron.”


NOW



We’ve been at this for over two hours.  Calutron is worn down, winded, but still has plenty of fight left in him.  The same can’t be said for me.

I’ve done enough damage that another hero should be able to finish him off.

Whatever dark force Professor Majestic infused him with is fading.  When Calutron hits me now there’s no more purple electricity.  Just pain.

If I could just get some help…

It’s a big “if.”

It’s a big world with lots of problems and even more monsters.

I don’t think anyone is coming.

Calutron knows he doesn’t have to hurry.  I sit wheezing and leaden, seven broken ribs, lungs filled with blood, and arms too spent to even defend myself.

He winds up.  I grimace.

We both freeze.

Something moves through the warehouse – a blur of light and wind that sends yellowed newspapers flying everywhere.

Lady U-boat hovers just outside a broken warehouse window, her yellow gloves clenched into fists.

She shouldn’t be here but then there’s a lot about my family that’s impossible.

Her eyes find mine and I read the concern there: I don’t look very good.

She blinks back tears.  I don’t think she’s ever seen me bleed.

A moment: she sets herself.

She gives me a wink to let me know everything is going to be okay.

“Calutron,” she says, “would you care to step outside?”

The behemoth forgets me and hurtles towards her.  With what’s left of my strength, I follow.

She hits.

She flies.

She throws.

I feel my power coming back at her side.

We are mighty.

Together.

The bad guy doesn’t stand a chance.






MIKE SWEENEY lives in Central New Jersey where he writes constantly but never quite enough.

A Robot’s Sonnet

by Danger_Slater



He spits the wine back into my face.

“Ugh,” he gags, thrusting the half-empty glass at me, “what is this garbage?”  I inspect it.  I dip in a sensor and test it for impurities.  I run an hour and a half of diagnostics on it.  The results come up clean.

“It’s red wine, sir.  Just like you asked.”

The tiny row of lights that make up my speech-composite box glow chrome-yellow with my reply.  I can see it reflecting in the wettest parts of his eyes.  The bars at the corners of my mouth illuminate.

So this is what I look like when I smile.

“What are you smirking about, you moron?” he shouts.  “I asked for Merlot.  This is Cabernet.”

“I’m sorry, sir.  My data log indicates that you did not specify.  You had roast pheasant for dinner.  Foodandwine.com lists Cabernet as the most logical pairing.”

He growls, showing me his bare teeth — streaked like storm windows by plaque and cigarettes.  Make an appointment for a whitening with Dr. Punjab, I note.  Also, write a strongly-worded letter to foodandwine.com informing them of their egregious mistake.

“You hunk of junk,” he says viciously.  “You think you’re so goddamn smart.  I should sell you for spare parts is what I should do!”

“Please, sir, don’t do that.  I — I don’t know where I’d be without you…” I say.  And the words I speak are true, because without Henry, I wouldn’t be here today.  He built me himself out of a microwave, an electric toothbrush, and a second-generation iPod touch.  I recall every vivid detail of that day just as I recall every vivid detail of every day.  I come equipped with six terabytes of memory.

Before then there was nothing; just the blackness eternal of my pre-birth — a notion so inconceivable I can feel my circuitry start to overheat should I think about it too hard.  So I don’t.  I don’t think about it at all.  I keep myself busy, serving my owner, doing my job.  I don’t think about all there was that existed before me.  Or all that might exist after I’m gone.

“Then stop standing there like some kind of slack-jawed cretin and get me my Merlot.  NOW!” he screams, throwing the wine glass at the wall.  It shatters against the wood-paneled veneer into a million sharp razor-shards that sprinkle the carpet like a sky full of stars.

My Vac-U-Penis® deploys, sucking up the debris, and I wheel myself into the kitchen to get him his drink.

***



He doesn’t mean to be so [I log onto thesasurus.com, searching the archives for just the right word: crabby, ill-tempered, irritable, querulous].  He’s a good man.  He’s just malfunctioning a bit.

When Sylvia left, he went into a depression.  As I understand it, depression is like having your brain stuck in quicksand.  You’re immobile.  Trapped in a moment.  And you wiggle and kick and try to fight it, but you just sink deeper.  You keep on sinking until you’re totally gone.

“Do you know what love is?” he asked me one night.  He was on his fifth glass of Noir and the inevitable tears were starting to form.

“I believe I do,” I replied.  “Love is a feeling of intense desire and affection towards somebody or something whom one is disposed to make a pair.”

“Yeah, I know you know the definition of love, but do you truly know what it means?”

His head swiveled on his shoulders like it were a bowling ball perched atop a very weak spring.  Like he needed a tune-up.  Or a new crankshaft.

“Well… no.  I suppose I don’t,” I said.

“I envy you sometimes.  You ain’t got nothing in this world to hold you down.  You’re just computer chips and algorithms and for you, everything makes sense.”  He finished off the glass.  “It’s difficult to get your heart broken if you don’t have one.”

“Yes.  I don’t think I’d be very useful to you, should that be the case.”

“I’m glad you’re a robot,” he said, a single teardrop now streaming down his cheek.  “I’m glad to have something that won’t ever leave me.”

That same night, as I charged, I had a dream.  It was the first dream I ever dreamt.

I dreamt I was alone, in the middle of a field.  The sun was above me, casting off golden rays that reflected off my headplate like it was I who was shining so bright and warm.  In the dream, I rolled across the daffodiled landscape, up and down cobbled hills, over gravel and limestone, until I reached a precipice that overlooked the ocean.  I stood at the edge of the cliff for a while, just staring out at the sea.  The choppy water splashed so soft and rhythmic, should I encode and convert it into musical notes, a thousand violins wouldn’t be able to play my song.

I stared out at the sea.

And then I jumped.

***



“Here you go,” I say, quickly wheeling myself back into the living room.  “Merlot, exactly 62° Fahrenheit.”

“Took you long enough, you piece of shit,” he barks.  “Jesus.  I could’ve crushed the grapes myself by now.”

“Yes, but could you have fermented them?” I ask.

“Oh, a wise-ass, eh?” he goes.

“No, sir,” I reply, “I do not have an ass.”

“Well if you did I’d be kicking it from here to Timbuktu.”  He downs the wine in one solid gulp.  I opt not to tell him that Timbuktu is exactly 4,441.9 miles away and that it is an impossibly long distance for an ass to be kicked.

***



I wrote his best-selling novel.

You figure it’d be difficult for a robot to create a best-selling work of original fiction, but the truth is no — it’s not difficult at all.  I only had to log onto Amazon.com’s top-sellers list, feed the data into my demodulation cortex, rearrange the adjectives, nouns and verbs, and voila! 500 pages burst forth from my inkjet: numbered, Times New Roman, and in double-spaced format.

He found it in the morning; reams of paper in disarray all over the dining room floor.

“What the hell is this?” he said, pointing to the mess.  “Don’t tell me you’re on the fritz again.”

“No, sir, I was writing a book,” I proudly beamed.

“A book?  You?  Oh, this has got to be a laugh.  So, Chaucer,” he mocked me, “what’s your little ‘book’ about?”

“It’s a psychological/religious/action/thriller about a guy and a girl in a museum who find some very interesting clues hidden in one of the paintings.  I call it The Picasso Code.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

But then he picked up the first page and read it.  His demeanor quickly changed.

“This…  This is amazing,” he exclaimed, a smile breaking through the fog of his hangover.

“Thank you, sir.  I don’t know what came over me.  I just — I don’t know — had to express myself.”

“Do you mind if I take this with me today?” he politely asked, the softness in his voice somewhat off-putting, like a bizarre and exotic spice.

“Not at all,” I chirped, “I want you to enjoy it, I wrote it for you.  To help take your mind off… you know… everything.”

He collected up the papers, organizing them carefully, and brought the entire tome to a publishing house in the city.  They signed the deal that very evening.

A month later we received an advanced copy in the mail.  There it was, my book — OUR book — his name plastered in bold-face across the front cover:

THE PICASSO CODE

A Novel

by HENRY POLANSKI

***



“We did it!  We did it!” he had said, skipping into the house.

“Good for us,” I said.  “What exactly did we do?”

“We hit number one.  The Picasso Code is number one!”  He dropped to his knees and gave me a hug, his pink, furry flesh squishing against my alloys.  “Did you hear me, you beautiful toolbox?  We’re a goddamned genius!”

I reached around his body, my frail TV antenna arms hugging him back.  An awkward motion.  One I’m not accustomed to.

“I’m glad, sir,” was all I said.  “Your happiness means the world to me.”

Then the second novel came out.

Cretaceous Park, our science-fiction/adventure/dinosaur/thriller was received by the critics with relative scorn:

Trite…long-winded…overly technical…with language seemingly influenced by children’s coloring books and the UNIX Systems operator’s manual, Polanski’s sophomore release is a blight on the sensibilities of discerning readers everywhere…

Henry began drinking.  Often.  And a lot.

“You’re worthless,” he said one evening, not even bothering to look at me.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Excuse you is right!” he snarked.  “We barely sold a million copies.  Not even a goddamned million!” he shouted, throwing a crumpled up copy of New York Times Book Review at me.  When I tried to clean it up, he threw an empty bottle of Sauvignon Blanc at me.

“The public is fickle,” I said, trying to console him.  “I’m sure there are a multitude of reasons behind their apathy.  Just because dino-erotic literature is not what’s ‘in’ right now, it doesn’t mean we didn’t create a great piece of fiction.  And besides, who cares what other people think?  Yours is the only opinion that matters to me, sir.”

“Yeah?  Well here’s my opinion, robot:  Don’t Write Anymore!”

And then he started crying.  And from across the room I could see my reflection emblazoned like a neon tattoo in the wettest parts of his eyes.

I was frowning.

Since that day, I haven’t written a word.

***



He is passed out in the easy chair.  Snores a mix of phlegm and gasps slip haphazardly out of his open mouth.  The sound resonates across the empty apartment like distant thunder on a collapsing horizon.  It is the apex of the night; the hours where only mice and monsters dare to tread and not even the moon has the courage to show its face.

I am in the kitchen — in hibernate mode — when the phone rings.

Brrriiing!  Brrriiing!  Brrriiing! is what the phone says.  My midi-translator [powered by Google] deciphers the phonescreech as a jarring and desperate wail: Answer me!  Answer me!  Oh, please, God, won’t somebody answer me! it cries out in agony.

I am not uncouth.  I answer the phone.

“Hello?” a grainy female voice in the receiver says.

“Hello,” I answer.

“Henry, is that you?” she asks.

“Um…”

I hesitate in my reply.  Traditionally, I have not been programmed to speak untruths.  Still, as I stutter, something clicks inside me.  A desire.  A desire to correct an injustice so brazen that it eclipses any peccadillos that might stand in its way.  I know who it is on the other end of the line.  And I know exactly why she’s calling.

“… yes,” is how I finally respond.  “Yes, it’s me.  Henry.”

“You sound different,” she says.

“Um, I have a virus.”

“Henry, listen,” she goes, “I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.  Reevaluating things — my life and myself.  I just… I don’t know if breaking up with you was the right thing to do.  I miss you, is all.  I understand if you’re still angry at me.  You have every right to be.  I was unfair.”  She exhales somberly.  “I’m not looking for peace of mind or your sympathy — but rather — what I’m after is forgiveness.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, Henry.”  She sniffles.  “And I want you back.”

“Oh?”

“And I know any sort of compliment may be a bit late at this point, but I just want you to know that I’ve been following your writing career very closely.  The Picasso Code literally brought me to tears.  It was brilliant, Henry.  Just brilliant!  I had no idea you could be so eloquent.”

I pause a moment, listening to her breathe, before I ask:

“And what did you think about Cretaceous Park?”

“Oh –” she stumbles back on her words like my question were a coffee table she didn’t know was there.  “It was… um… good.”

To this I glower.  I seethe and I snarl and I can feel myself boil:

“Now you listen to me, you cold-blooded bitch, and listen up good because I’m only going to say this one fucking time:  You need to go away.  Get out of my life.  Forever.  You need to stop poking your goddamn nose where it isn’t welcome.  I can not — WILL NOT — let you hurt him again!”

“Him?” she goes.

“Er — um — me.  I won’t let you hurt me again.”

“Henry, wait…” she starts, but I don’t let her finish.  I slam the phone back onto the cradle.

Just a peccadillo, I tell myself.  It’s for the best.

When I turn, Henry is standing there, cast in shadows.  His face half-hidden like a phantom behind the jamb of the door.  There is something in his eyes.  Something I can’t quite define.

Something [thesaurus.com: wicked, baleful, abhorrent, malicious].

“Who was that?” he says quietly, dragging his words.

“No one, sir,” I tell him, “just a wrong number.”

“A wrong number?” he goes.  “You seemed to have an awful lot to talk about with someone who called the wrong number.”

“Yes.  I was giving them directions.  To… uh… Timbuktu.”

“You wouldn’t be fucking with me, would you, robot?” he says, flicking the wall switch.  I am momentarily blinded.  When my sight receptors readjust to the new light level, I can see in his hand he holds an axe.

“Because there’s a lot you don’t understand about being human,” he continues, approaching me slowly, using the weapon like it was a cane.  Plink! Plink! against the linoleum it goes, the sound merely an echo before it reaches my aural decryption unit.

“Emotions are a complex thing,” he says, “they’re not linear.  They’re not black and white.  They can’t be quantified.  I guess that’s something a machine could never comprehend.”

“I wouldn’t assume so, sir,” I say, nervously rolling backwards until I’m pressed up against the sink.

He holds up the axe, letting the light dance on its point.

“For all the technology the modern world has blessed us with, the beauty of a simple tool can be overlooked quite easily.  There’s a lot of power in this basic design.  A lot of damage could be dealt with just a single blow…”

“Torque,” I say.

He slams the axe into the kitchen table, splitting the wood with the ease of a knife through butter.

“Yes, torque,” he growls, yanking it back out.  He swoops in on me, until only his wretched face fills my lens.  His eyebrows twist like crumbling architecture and his pupils have shrunken into two little dots.  A black fire burns wild through the whites of his eyes.  My facial recognition software can only register his vestige in bits and pieces.

“What did you say to her, huh?  What did you say to Sylvia?” he spits, his voice like a minefield, buried bombs on all sides.

I choose what I say next very, very carefully:

“I did what had to be done, sir,” I reply.  “I can assure you that I only had your well-being in mind.  I can not bear to see you in pain like this any longer.  She was a succubus.  She left you a shell.  And you deserve more.  You deserve so much more.  Sir, I only did what I because… because… because I love you.”

As I say those words for the first time out loud, ultraviolet waves seem to surge through my circuitry.  What is this sensation?  I can not say for certain.  There are no words describe it, no equations to deduce it, no instruments to dissect it.  It is something that defies explanation.  It’s irrational and wonderful and wholly smothering.

From what I’ve heard, it is called an emotion.

I’m having one right now.

And it is AMAZING!

Oh, the euphoria!  The rapture!  The sheer essence of feeling!  In all the days that I’ve wheeled through life, I’ve never truly felt so alive!

And just as this epiphany is jolting my mainframe like a million volts of unbridled static-electric joy, Henry lifts up the axe and swings it with all his might.

The blade easily tears through me, plunging straight into my motherboard.  My aluminum framework crumples.  Safety lights blink and beep.  Oil and sparks shoot out of the wound.  The rainbow display of my blood pours forth, flashing in Technicolor against the breaking dawn.  He puts his weight on the handle and the blade goes deeper.

“How could you do this to me?” he cries, pulling the axe out and swinging it again.  And again.  And again.  And again.

Things are fading.  Processors are slowing down.  Applications flickering off.  He stands back, his chest pumping, watching me fizzle.  Smoke.  Watching me power down.

And in the moment right before everything disappears, a very strange thought passes through the peripherals of my hard drive.  A thought I’ve spent my entire life trying to ignore.  I wondered, where do robots go when they die?

Well, the same place humans go, I suppose.

My lights go out.

And then there is nothing.

***



“Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Henry Polanski,” a voice over the loudspeaker announces.

The gathered crowd claps.  He gives them a quick wave before taking a seat at the table.  The line winds around the bookstore — through the fiction, self-help and biography sections, out into the parking lot.  His third novel, A Robot’s Sonnet, is a critical and commercial success.  As it should be.  All those newborn, rampant emotions that flowed through me as I lay there dying spewed out my printer in uncontrollable spurts — page upon page of my immortal soul.

A profound work of unrepentant empathy… exploring the notion of humanity through a robot’s perspective… [Polanski’s] latest will surely be the watermark of this — and many — generations to come… one critic wrote.

This is his masterpiece.

My masterpiece.

My final love song to him.

Sylvia stands off to the side, reveling in Henry’s abject success.  A diamond-encrusted engagement ring sits boisterously on her delicate finger.  This book paid for that gaudy piece of jewelry.  She talks to his agent as he autographs book sleeves.  The agent whispers something into her ear and she laughs, touching him lightly on the arm.  A sly look is exchanged between the two — something devious and knowing — but Henry doesn’t notice.  He’s too busy getting everything he ever wanted.

Best-selling author Henry Polanski.  He’s finally happy.

And from outside — under the colorless blanket of an overcast sky — I stand, peering in through the storefront window.  Watching.  Tea kettles and tinfoil and fused together frying pans lay like patchwork over the torn metal scars that cover my body.  It’s amazing what a little ingenuity and a welding tool can do when somebody puts their mind to it.

I watch the man I so selflessly devoted my entire existence to and I think about all the things happening inside of me.  Important things.  Complicated things.

Things a man like Henry Polanski will never understand.

I wheel into the bookstore, my gaze holding steady.  Slowly, I turn the safety off my machine-gun arms.  I log onto thesaurus.com and search through the archives for just the right word:

[vindication, validation, payback, revenge]

If I can’t have him, then no one will.






DANGER_SLATER is more machine than man. He’s an explosion-bot! Handle your Danger_Slater with extreme care. One false move and KA-BOOM! – you’re nothing but a stain on the pavement and a few cancerous ashes. Danger lives in New Jersey. His work has appeared in Jersey Devil Press, The Drabblecast, and the Seahorse Rodeo Folk Revival. His dirty limericks have appeared in truck stop bathrooms and seldom-used freight elevators nationwide. Here is his website: dangerslater.blogspot.com.