You will be . . . you will be.

There’s no denying the world can be a scary-ass place. Earthquakes, tornadoes, serial killers, mimes, the impending zombie apocalypse, existential angst, Spongebob-fuckin’-Squarepants—the list goes on and on. So this month, we’ve assembled a team of superheroes to kick-punch your greatest fears right in their cold, cold hearts:

Tropophobia (fear of change): “The Many Incarnations of Blazer Chief,” Elise Matthews – POW!

Ablutophobia (fear of washing): “How to Wash a Magic Carpet,” Lauren O’Donnell – SPLOOSH!

Arachnophobia (fear of spiders): “With Spider,” Kelly Magee and Carol Guess – BAM!

Thanatophobia (fear of death): “Relics,” Valya Dudycz Lupescu – ZORK!

Teratophobia (fear of abnormality): “The Dog with the Rhinestone Eyes,” Mary Renzi – BORT!

We’re tremongously excited to introduce a couple of brand-new voices alongside some seasoned pros (whom we’re also thrilled to include, natch). I guess what we’re trying to say is that it is a truth universally acknowledged that any writer whose story appears in this issue must be in possession of some mad skillz.

This month’s delightful cover art is by Morgan Carver; it tackles siderodromophobia (fear of riding on trains) – TOOT!

Read it online or download the PDF.

What an interesting smell you’ve discovered!

“Spring,” as an insipid marquee announced to me this morning, “has sprung.” Also, “Our Sk8ing Classes Are Wheelie Gr8,” according to a different local sign composed by a more imaginative poet.

Speaking of good imaginations, we’re pleased to cram the cruelest month with random acts of creativity from four talented writers. Betsy Streeter—whom you may remember as the artist behind the March issue’s scary-elegant cover illustration—kicks things off with a laugh-out-loud-then-wonder-if-you’re-a-bad-person story, “Del, We’re Sorry, Please Stop.” After that, Charlie Fiset’s “Natural Birth” will change the way you look at eggs forever. You may want to enjoy “Them Oranges,” a heart-pounding tale of hunger by Nicole Wolverton, with a glass of fresh-squeezed juice. Last up is Ben Pullar’s “The Stangler Fig Slide,” a fanciful tale with as many twists as its eponymous attraction. (Notice I didn’t say “titular,” because that sounds like a word frat guys would use on Spring Break.) Read, ponder, share with friends. And definitely check out this month’s cover art, Isabella Petty’s starkly evocative “Anguish.”

Read it online or download the pdf.

In case you were wondering: Earl Grey with lemon. And leave the pot; it’s been a long day.

We love March. Probably because, as a certain disappearing tabby once observed, we’re all mad here. In that spirit, we’ve invited an eclectic group of guests to our little tea party this month. Our fifty-second issue opens with “Little Monster,” a tale of slow burning from Aida Ibisevic that will give you chills. Next up is Vajra Chandrasekera’s “By Good Angels Tenanted,” a story of two unusual sets of genitals—each terrifying in its own way—and the people who live with them. [Insert “teabagging” joke here.] Then the fun just keeps on keepin’ on with Christopher Cassavella’s amusing metafiction narrative, “Joe’s Theory.” That one is followed by “The Memory Thief,” a bittersweet zombie flash-fiction piece from Brianna Gielow. Lastly, William Blomstedt introduces you to the roommates you never knew you wanted in “The Scuttlebutt on Pluto.” And make sure you pause to admire “Revenge,” the creepy (but very classy) cover art by Betsy Streeter.

So if you’ve been bummed out lately by all this lousy Smarch weather, pull up a chair and hang with us for a while—there’s plenty of unbirthday cake to go around. If you forgot to bring a hat, you can borrow one of ours. And don’t mind the dormouse; he always sleeps in there.

Read it online or download the .pdf.