Dante Novario
Gold Package
The inherent romanticism of an untouched grave, of a private
Little palm of dirt carved lovingly just for you. Imagine centuries
Of ghostly rest nestled in the quiet Earth, decomposing in peace
And a guarantee that your skeleton will be enviously spotless
When eventually excavated.
Diamond Package
A straight shot into the constellation
Or black hole of your choice. Every time Alpha Centauri twinkles
It’ll be your corpse showered by meteorites, exploring new galaxies.
Every time a star collapses you’ll be there to personally greet it.
Silver Package
Your soul will be pressed and digitally converted
Into code, then downloaded onto one of our signature hard drives.
The precision of the transfer for both your thoughts and personality
Is not contractually obligated. We promise the transformation
Will be indescribable, profoundly different from your experience
As a human. This is the closest offer to everlasting life
That we currently provide.
Sponsored Package
Ground into delicious coffee beans
Sprinkled throughout only the best Guatemalan blends, light or dark
Roast to your preference, if selected your family will enjoy
A 10% discount on all of our select java products.
Multi-Dimensional Package
We throw your body through the portal
And honestly we’re hoping you’ll somehow let us know
What’s happening on the other side.
Flung into the Ocean to be Eaten by Sea Monsters Package
This one is self-explanatory.
Soul’s Gonna Burn in Hell Anyway Package
Our hottest seller
Gingerly dropped down our signature shaft directly into the equator, a semi-
Reincarnation, you’ll never be chilly again and rest easy
As fuel for our wondrous world, all of its bountiful goodness.
Standard Package
Our professional team will claim you faked your death
And escaped dastardly, living a double life as a wealthy eccentric
On a private island cooking up another wild scheme.
We then dump your body in a randomly selected hole.
Transcendental Package
Toss the flesh and emerge
As a force of the forever, unbound by the tediousness of time, thrive
Pure as a breath of the universe, as a myth of mortality, the lessons
Of your humanity transcending into something delectably
Divine, as a culmination of the wonderful
You secretly hoped was always possible.
DANTE NOVARIO currently lives in Louisville, KY, where he studied writing at Bellarmine University and works as a behavior analyst with special needs individuals. His work has previously appeared or is forthcoming in Firewords Quarterly, Strange Horizons, Thin Air Magazine, Still: The Journal, Ghost City, The River Magazine, and others.