Janu-weary but Still Standing

January 2022 Cover

According to the calendar my three-year-old picked out—the first month has a picture of a feathery white kitten beside a black rabbit with striking blue eyes—it’s 2022 now. I was hoping Jonathan Swift would write the introduction to our one-hundred-and-fifteenth issue, as his satiric sensibility is well suited to such times, but my attempts to contact him via planchette have turned up only a series of squashy loops. [Side note: it’s possible that his comment on our present situation is “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” And if so, it’s apt.]

The January issue begins with the delightful imagery of James Croal Jackson’s “Little Cartoon,” a poem that packs a lot into its twenty-two words. Next, Jessica Klimesh brings humorous subjects to life with “The Start of a Bad Joke.” After that, take a surreal ride on Nikolaj Volgushev’s “Subway” and find out what mysteries await “Inside the Last Cinnamon Raisin Bagel” with Benjamin Davis. Conclude your tour with Harsimran Kaur’s poem “She,” a celebration of ordinary pleasures that feels like a blessing for the start of a new year. This month’s creepy AF cover art comes to you from our Production Editor, Sam, and some A.I. Gremlins.

As always, thank you for reading. Try to be kind to strangers and animals. And strange animals. Leave books and neat rocks in unexpected places for others to discover. Take a walk, if you like walks. Or a nap, if you prefer naps. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and stare out the window for a while. Eat a spoonful of butterscotch sauce. You deserve a treat.

Crinkle it online or rustle up a .pdf.

Inside the Last Cinnamon Raisin Bagel

Benjamin Davis

I’d been living the same day over and over for nine hundred and forty-one days before I finally turned to my co-worker and said, “Hey, Kevin, I have been living the same day over and over for nine hundred and forty-one days.” 

Kevin didn’t look up from his desk. He nodded and said, “Yeah, man—me too.” 

I touched his shoulder, something I never do, but I wanted him to know I was serious. I felt like crying. He looked into my eyes. “No, Kevin, I have been living the exact same day for nine hundred and forty-one days. The sixth of March. This day. No matter what I do, nothing changes.” 

Kevin looked at my hand and rolled back a bit in his chair so that I couldn’t reach him. “Yeah, man, lower your voice. I know. We all have. Don’t you read the news?” 

I looked up over the edge of our cubicle and out the window. The sky was dumping rain, and someone honked outside. 

“But why this day? Why not a day with some adventure? Don’t you remember adventure, Kevin? That feeling like something might be different just around the corner?” 

Kevin shrugged and went back to work. “Get over it, man,” he said. 

I left to have a bagel in the breakroom. There were no onion bagels, so I snatched up the last cinnamon raisin bagel, and, as I brought it to my mouth, a breeze hit my nose. I looked down and saw that right there, in the hole of the bagel, there was a cold, blue and white light. I held it up to my face, and sure enough, it looked right onto a winter wonderland forest of deep green and virgin white. I checked around the back of the bagel and found it to be the same awful kitchen that smelled of old Tupperware and whatever stuff of myth and hell they make office breakroom tables out of. 

I sat down in a chair and peered back through the hole in the bagel. It was a beautiful forest, and the sky was vibrant with purples and oranges and greens. I poked my finger through the hole, and it came back chilly—it even had a tiny flake of the most perfect snow on it. 

“Hello!” someone called. 

I looked in the bagel, and out of the trees popped a young man. The bottom half of his body was covered in fur. He had hooves and a sword at his waist—a centaur.

“Hello?” I called into the bagel.

The centaur turned and squinted at me.

“Hello?”

“Hi! What are you doing?”

The centaur puffed out its chest and said, “I am looking for the chosen one.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. A child of Earth.”

“I am a child of Earth,” I said. 

The centaur frowned and moved closer to my bagel hole, or whatever it looked like, on his side. “How old are you?” he asked.

I scowled through the bagel and said, “Why does that matter?” 

“No—no,” the centaur held up his hands. “Not meaning to offend. If you are the chosen one, can you come through? The Green Prince has taken over the lands and sits on your throne. His men have been chasing me, trying to keep me from finding you.” 

My heart leaped. I stood up. “Yes! Yes! I am coming!” I stuck my finger into the bagel, then two. Boy, it was cold in there. As I tried to fit a third finger in, the bagel began to break, and I panicked. I pulled my hand out and looked back through. The centaur was looking around him, hand on his sword. 

“Hey! So, I can’t fit through this bagel! Is there another way I can get there?” 

The centaur turned and smiled, “Yes, of course. But wait, what is a bagel—” 

At that moment, a man on horseback galloped by and decapitated the centaur. A droplet of blood flew out of the bagel and landed on my nose. Then, there was silence.

“Hello?” I called. No response came. “Hello? Hey! Who is there? Hey, tell me how to get there. I don’t give a damn about the Green Prince; just tell me how to get there! Hey, buddy on the horse? He buddy!” 

But the man on horseback didn’t return. 

I sat back in my chair and looked up. Jane from the marketing department stood in the middle of our crumby little office kitchen, watching me. 

“Hey—uh, you alright?” she asked. 

I buried my face in one hand and tried not to cry. I couldn’t think of anything to say. A moment later, Jane asked, “Hey—uh, is that the last cinnamon raisin bagel?” 

I looked down at it, cracked a bit from where I’d tried to get in. I nodded. 

“Can I have it?” she asked. 

I held it out to her. 

She took a bite and said, “Some kind of day we’re having, huh?” 

 

BENJAMIN DAVIS is a recovering fintech journalist, folklore addict, and author of a novella-in-verse:The King of FU(Nada Blank 2018). His stories can be found inHobart Pulp, Maudlin House, Star 82 Review, 5×5, Cease, Cows, Bending Genresand elsewhere.

Subway

Nikolaj Volgushev

I was to meet my friend on the subway.

Does our town even have a subway? I asked, surprised. 

My friend said yes, yes it does. There’s a subway stop close to your flat, in the alley behind the Burger King. 

But where do I get a ticket? I asked. I had never been on a subway before but I knew that without a ticket you got a fine.

My friend said check your books, you are probably using it as a bookmark for one of them. 

But I don’t own any books, I objected. 

Well, then check the library. 

So I went to the library and asked the librarian for all the books I had ever borrowed. She came back with a box containing barely a dozen novels. 

Are you sure that’s it? I asked. I feel I’ve read more than that. 

The librarian said that it was common to overestimate one’s accomplishments. She said it with a facial expression that made me think of a hangnail. 

I sat and tried to come up with a book I had read that wasn’t in the box. I wanted to show the librarian that my accomplishments were in fact estimated just fine, but I couldn’t think of one. 

Then I remembered that I was meeting my friend on the subway in an hour, so I got to looking through the books for my subway ticket. 

I found it eventually, on page 56 of Crime and Punishment (this was as far as I had gotten in that book which reminded me that among the dozen books in the box, I hadn’t actually finished all of them, which meant that the librarian was even more right than she knew). 

The ticket was a monthly pass, crinkled and smudged. It had seen better days but I guessed it would do the trick.

In the alley behind the Burger King, I bumped into a strange man. He was very tall and wobbly and dressed in a heavy trench coat. He was wearing a Fedora and shades. I asked if he knew where the entrance to the subway was. 

The strange man squeaked. 

I realized then that it wasn’t a man at all but a hundred rats, standing one atop the other, masquerading as a man. 

The fake rat man wobbled past me, towards the Burger King. 

I imagined the plan was to go and order a Double Whopper or whatever and hope that the Burger King employees would not figure out the disguise. I was curious to see how that unfolded, but I was already late so I rushed down the steps to the subway and barely made it on the train.

So where are we going? I asked my friend, once I had caught my breath and displayed my ticket to the impatient conductor. 

My friend shrugged.

I have absolutely no idea, he said and so we just rushed on through the bouncy, roaring darkness, with no clear destination in mind.

 

NIKOLAJ VOLGUSHEV‘s fiction has appeared in the Cafe Irreal; Hoot; Cleaver Magazine; Cease, Cows, and other journals. He currently lives in Göttingen, Germany, where he writes, programs, and does other things along those lines.