Robert P. Kaye

 

 

Unable to impel herself out the front door, Stevie climbed the spiral staircase to the widow’s walk. The InvisiCoat on the roof deck reflected cumulonimbus and flaming sunset such that exiting the stairwell looked equivalent to plunging into a volcano. A blotch of berry-colored bird poop gave shape to the far rail. She launched before she could talk herself into retreat, staggering across the void, which proved solid underfoot after all. Her heart banged death metal double bass against ribs as fingers grasped the top rail. She took a deep breath and glanced down.

The tacky purple splotch beside her hand wasn’t bird crap after all. It was paint, and not the invisible kind. Still tacky. More purple adhered to the side of the house below her toes, refracted in the dissimulated surfaces of surrounding houses also clad in InvisiCoat. A view that left her nauseated.

Fighting vertigo, she looked over the side of the house to where a two-dimensional face the size of a billboard levitated beneath her toes. The squashed ellipse of a mouth howled in existential agony. The horrified eyes rolled upward. Hands covered ears to block out the infinite scream passing through all nature. A purple watch cap the same shade as the paint on the rail crowned Bruce’s self-portrait homage to Munch’s The Scream.

The implications were clear. Bruce would be headed to jail for violating his parole, earned for similar crimes. As the only normal one in the family, she had an obligation to save him, but she had failed.

Confronted with yet another twist in the downward spiral of her life, Stevie laughed. The echo bounced back from the coruscated buildings of the Starlite Gated Community.

Hinges creaked across the void. A rectangle of light opened and someone stepped onto a balcony suspended in midair. A camera clicked. A glass circle inside a black rectangle lowered to reveal a familiar face.

Arcadia. They’d lived next door to each other most of their lives and gone to school together, but were never friends.

Stevie forced a smile. “Looks like we got graffiti bombed,” she said, sweeping a hand toward her feet.

“We assume this won’t be a problem?” Arcadia said.

‘We’ had to mean the Starlite Gated Community, which mandated cladding all structures in InvisiCoat, the visual judo of refractive metamaterials that warped ambient light, offending the visual cortex into a state of denial. A world of spray-on funhouse mirrors, as Uncle Mel, inventor of InvisiCoat, used to say.

“Guess we’re overdue for a paint job anyway,” Stevie said. They’d been getting letters from the Neighborhood Council for years, but a new application of InvisiCoat was something Dad apparently could not afford. He had not practiced law since before Uncle Mel died.

“Great,” Arcadia said. “Because invisible paint only works if everybody maintains their investment.” She pivoted and the pane of light from the door vanished into refracted blood red sunset.

 

 

Stevie rapped yet again on the Fortress door. “Dad, you in there?” she called. He hadn’t emerged from his basement cave in over a year. “It’s about paint.”

She had agreed to not disturb him except for emergencies and a narrow list of subjects, which included paint.

The door sucked open and a great bear of a man filled the space, beard halfway down his chest, ropes of greying hair to his shoulders. The ghost of Uncle Mel. He wore a headset mic, like a ground control flight director. “Make it fast. I’m busy,” he said.

Busy? She had lost hope that the door would open. The speech she’d intended to shout through the barrier was replaced by the memory of the call from Martha, Wife III, saying she was going on a little vacation and could Stevie come stay with her father and cousin Bruce? Discovering on arrival that Dad had holed up in his Fortress, Bruce had been arrested and Martha wasn’t coming back. Stevie needed a place to hide, but this was more than she expected.

“Boss?” echoed a voice from inside. “The guide says we’re going to have to double the bribes.”

“Just a sec,” he said into the mic, swinging it away from his mouth. “What’s the problem?” He dangled a game controller by the miniature steering wheel.

This online multiplayer game, or whatever, seemed to have consumed him. At least it involved other people. An overpowering miasma migrated from room to corridor.

“Bruce painted a huge self portrait on the side of the house,” she said, striving to project enough calm to prop the door open.

“Okay. And?”

“He’s on probation. We can’t let him go to jail. Not after what he’s been through.”

“Boss?” somebody said.

Dad turned back to the flat screen on the far wall. Two men wearing baseball caps and ear pieces stared up the hood of a jeep-like vehicle. The landscape behind could have been Mars. It looked so real.

Dad swiveled the mic back into place. “Just get us to Lake Baikal,” he said. The room was a mess of couch/bed and takeout containers evolving into terrariums. He turned back to Stevie. “We’re at the Mongolian-Siberian border. Are we done here?”

“No.” Stevie glanced at the hood of the vehicle approaching low buildings, a striped barrier and a soldier with an automatic weapon. She wondered why the shooting hadn’t started. “What are we going to tell the police? And the Neighborhood Association?”

“Tell them to piss up a rope. That’s my legal opinion. Are we done here?”

The vein in his temple throbbed. If she pushed too hard he wouldn’t answer the door next time. “I’ll let you think it over,” she said. “Just don’t leave town.”

“Very funny,” he said.

The door shut. She charged upstairs to Bruce’s room and pounded on the door. No answer, but it was unlocked. The room looked spartan as ever, redolent of teenage boy. A computer screen cycled through early twentieth century masterpieces. Crumpled sketches littered the floor. No Bruce.

 

 

Ten thirty-seven pm and the Waffle Shack remained frozen in time. Same pitted linoleum tables, deformed counter stools, depopulated pie case. Same ageless waitress behind the counter chatting with a couple of uniforms. Stevie glanced into the corner that used to serve as the stage for the open mic, echoes of panic making her fingers itch.

Bruce sat in a booth next to the windows with a cup of coffee and a plate of naked chicken bones, the cartilage gnawed off the ends. His face doppelganged the mural except for the lopsided grin and big ears concealed under the purple watch cap, which she’d spotted through the Waffle Shack’s fishbowl windows. Edward Hopper meets Looney Tunes.

“Hey,” he said as she slid into the booth.

“At least take off the stupid cap so the cops don’t spot you the same way I did,” she said.

She’d forced herself behind the wheel of the car, triggering a flashback of Dave slamming on the tour van brakes, her slumped with cheek against the cold window trying to sleep. The whoosh of the loose cymbal hurtling over the bench seat where her neck rested a minute before, the bite of the brass edge embedded in the windshield. Van totaled, tour cancelled, comeback dissolved. Technically not a comeback if you’d never arrived in the first place. She’d cruised the alleys looking for Bruce, hand checking the position of the headrest.

Bruce nodded to the counter where two patrol officers sat with their backs turned. “I could tag their squad car and they wouldn’t notice as long as my jewelry doesn’t ping.” He plucked up a pant leg to show the ankle bracelet.

“So why doesn’t it?” She knew he’d been going out at night, but figured he was too smart to do anything that would further circumscribe his freedom. Another bad guess on her part.

“Works on GPS.” Bruce took a small black box from his pocket. “Never leave home without home.”

The kid was a tech wizard, but what thrilled him were Impressionism, Expressionism and Fauvism. He absorbed all the art history she’d learned in college inside a month, inspired to hack the creative side himself. They negotiated a laissez-faire approach to education that bordered on neglect.

“You’ve got to cover that thing before they haul your ass off to jail,” she said.

“No way am I buffing out my burner. Besides, InvisiCorp applies every ounce of InvisiCoat. It’s not like you can get it at Home Depot. Jail is a small price to pay. You have to suffer for your art.”

“Don’t you think you’ve suffered enough?” she said.

After the brothers fell out over licensing InvisiCoat to InvisiCorp, Uncle Mel found Emily on the internet. They had Bruce, a late-in-life surprise. There were happy for years out at Mel’s desert compound before glioblastoma killed Emily in a matter of months. Uncle Mel died a couple years later from exposure to all those chemicals, or an aneurysm or heartbreak, or all of the above. They found Bruce out there alone, eating the survival rations and living through a computer screen. He’d buried his father next to his mother. He was twelve.

“What suffering?” Bruce said.

Time to change the subject. “What’s in the backpack?’ She tapped the lumpy bag with her foot, generating the singular hollow chime of spray cans.

The young guy cop at the counter barely turned around, but the older female officer gave them a hard scan. The waitress placed a couple of to-go cups on the counter with the check and said something to the cops and they laughed, then settled up. They headed out the door without looking back.

“That was close,” Stevie said.

A whistle came from outside. Bruce peered through the dark window. Stevie saw nothing beyond the reflection of her own face, stressed and old. When had she given up wearing makeup?

“Gotta go,” Bruce said. “Crew’s here.”

“You’ve got a crew?” She’d assumed he was like Mel. Like Dad. Like her.

“Hell yeah,” Bruce said. “It sucks to be alone.” He scooped up his backpack and slipped out the door, fast as a lizard.

The little shit.

The waitress sauntered over with the coffee pot to make sure the check got covered, a maneuver Stevie had employed many times when waiting tables. Carol, the name tag said.

“You want anything?” Carol said.

“No,” Stevie said. “I used to play here at the open mic. Like ten years ago?”

“There was an open mic?” Carol lay the check on the table and walked away.

 

 

“Good morning.” Arcadia said. She wore a skirt and matching jacket. Business casual to walk next door. The tight ponytail made her look like a movie velociraptor, upthrust chin indicating she expected an invitation to enter.

No police, no warrant. “It’s under control,” Stevie said, operating on too little sleep and too much coffee. “We’re handling it.” No way was she coming inside. The place was a mess. At least Stevie wasn’t in gym shorts and a t-shirt.

Arcadia tilted her head. “Didn’t you used to do music or something? You won the talent contest.”

“Second place,” Stevie said. First went to the captain of the football team for his crappy juggling act, because he was popular. That still stung, but then Arcadia probably knew that. “Weren’t you into all that CSI stuff? You were going to be a crime scene investigator or something?”

“An overcrowded field thanks to TV,” Arcadia said. “I worked for Child Protective Services for a while. My parents have health issues, so I moved back to help them out. You know how it is.”

Stevie saw the parents riding bikes and loading golf clubs into their car, tanned and healthy. The opposite of shut-ins. She recognized the smell of burnt dreams. “Sure,” she said.

“I’m working with the Neighborhood Association while applying to law school,” Arcadia said. “As I’m sure you know, the CCRs mandate a consistent appearance of invisibility. Invisible paint only works if — “

“Everybody does it,” Stevie said. “CCRs?”

“Covenants, Conditions and Restrictions. I sent pictures of the vandalism to my contacts at the police department. Is the kid with the rap sheet still living here, by the way? Bruce?”

“We’ll handle it,” Stevie said. Bruce did his early work down in the flats where nobody much cared if graffiti paid homage to Cézanne or Kandinsky. He’d been busted as soon as he did something in the Starlite Gated Community where they took such things seriously because InvisiCoat cost a small fortune.

“Maybe this is best for all concerned,” Arcadia said. “You’re way overdue on repainting and Bruce could benefit from professional help in the appropriate institution. His crimes are an obvious cry for help. Maybe you need to think about yourself.”

Arcadia reached out and touched Stevie’s elbow.

Stevie had a compulsion to shove her down the stairs, but wasn’t convinced it would kill her before she cried out for help. “Thanks so much,” Stevie said. “You’ve been unbelievably helpful. We’ll take care of the problem.”

“It’s already solved,” Arcadia said. “Under the terms of the CCRs we’ve arranged for InvisiCorp to send a crew out tomorrow.”

She executed an upthrust chin smile and pivoted down the steps before Stevie could reconsider the shove.

 

 

Dad flung the Fortress door open, a grizzly with a buzz cut, stubble a uniform length except for the bald spot and wispy locks behind the ears missed by the clippers. Shorn, he looked thinner, and older. The food containers were cleared away, a small mountain of black trash bags tucked into one corner. He smelled better. He still wore the headset. “What is it?” he said. “Were almost at Lake Baikal. It contains a fifth of all the freshwater in the world.”

“Cool,” Stevie said. She recapped the conversation with Arcadia, wondering if she could block the door with her body if he tried to shut it. Whether she would someday have to bury him in the weed jungle of the backyard.

“You’ve got makeup on,” he said.

“You cut your hair,” Stevie said. “Badly.”

“Really?” He looked crushed. “There’s a delegation coming to welcome us. I wanted to look good.”

“You don’t have to look good to play a fantasy game,” she said.

“What game?” he said. “This is virtual tourism. I’m doing pioneering work here. A remote expedition around Lake Baikal. It’s the deepest rift lake in the world, with more than thirty unique species. Don’t you read my blog?”

The flat screen contained men in baseball caps, others with fur hats. A church with a gold onion dome. It looked very real. “Are you driving from here?” she said.

“Don’t be absurd.” He held up the game controller. “This aims the cameras. It’s the culmination of years of planning.”

“Boss?” said a voice.

Half a head filled the screen. Dad turned the wheel. After a short lag, the picture centered on a man in a baseball cap. “The Mayor’s expecting you. There will be vodka.”

“I have an appointment,” Dad said. “Just so you know, after this we’re going to New York to give a talk on Lake Baikal and how internet tourism can help people like us.”

“People like us?”

“A predisposition to panic disorders like agoraphobia can be triggered by a traumatic event,” he said. “Getting out more might help you.”

“Help me?” She didn’t fear open spaces. Not as much as walking out on stage. Or driving. Or leaving the house. “New York?”

“Yeah.” He inhaled sharply. “After Lake Baikal. It’s thirty million years old, the oldest lake in the world. An inland sea. Read the blog.”

“Maybe later,” she said. “Bruce is going to jail if we don’t do something.”

“Not while I’m still a lawyer.”

“Are you still a lawyer?” Stevie said.

“I think so.”

“Then you’d better read the CCRs,” Stevie said.

“I wrote the CCRs.” He looked back into the room like a wild animal about bolt, but he did not shut the door.

 

 

His enormous body draped over the rail of the widow’s walk like some inland Siberian sea lion suspended in midair. Stevie fought off vertigo and tried not to think about falling through the mostly invisible deck flecked with droplets of aquamarine. “Dad, these people want to talk about paint,” she said.

When she’d answered the door, Arcadia stood on the top step, the cop from the Waffle Shack on the walkway, thumbs in her utility belt. A truck with an InvisiCorp logo and ladders idled at the curb. Stevie had spent hours cleaning the house, pointless since they had all trudged straight up the spiral staircase to the roof.

“You need to cease and desist,” Arcadia said, breathless and shriller for the climb.

Dad undraped from the rail, caterpillar fur on face and head studded with diamonds of sweat. Blue-green paint streaked overstuffed coveralls. Ropes and pieces of equipment festooned the railing, all spattered in ellipses of sea and sky. “I don’t think so,” he said, drawing himself up to grizzly height.

“What’s going on?” the cop said, hand on her Taser.

“I’m painting my property,” Dad said.

“More paint,” came Bruce’s voice from over the side of the house.

Dad hauled up a bucket, empty except for a roller and a paint screen of blue diamonds.

“It’s great you’re covering that eyesore,” Arcadia said. “But the CCRs stipulate the use of InvisiCoat to maintain consistent privacy.”

“Yeah, but it’s not really invisible, is it?” Dad said. “More like car sick camouflage. You might not know this, but I drew up the CRRs and the Starlite Gated Community articles of incorporation, which is the relevant authority here.”

“I didn’t know that,” Arcadia said.

“We’re not covering the face,” Bruce said, his purple watch cap gophering above the mostly invisible plane of the deck edge as he ratcheted himself up with mountaineering ascenders. “We’re using a background to create an outline effect. Like Manet and Velázquez.”

“Really makes it pop,” called another voice below the edge. One of Bruce’s crew.

“The Homeowner’s Association kept sending those letters saying I had to paint,” Dad said. “So I told my nephew to go for it.”

“You have to use InvisiCoat,” Arcadia said. “Or incur substantial penalties.”

The vein in Dad’s temple throbbed. It looked like he might charge, or try to escape off the edge of the building. Or make a break for the Fortress. The cop flicked off the strap holstering her pistol and drew her Taser.

“What about the legal description of the property?” Stevie said. They’d had a chat while she tidied up his haircut.

“Right,” Dad said. “Basically, the Starlite Gated Community is over there.” He described an invisible boundary with a flat hand. “And we’re over here. So I can do whatever the hell I want. Feel free to look it up.”

“I will,” Arcadia said. “In the meantime, that kid is going to jail.”

“He’s supposed to be wearing an ankle monitor,” the cop said.

Laying back in his harness, Bruce hiked his leg onto the edge of the deck and peeled back skinny jeans to display the bracelet.

“He hasn’t left the premises,” Stevie said. “He’s just dangling from them.”

The cop’s twisted grin suggested she remembered the Waffle Shack but considered the point not worth making, perhaps because cops couldn’t afford to live in the Starlite Gated Community. She holstered the Taser and re-snapped the pistol strap.

“You can’t paint the whole house blue,” Arcadia said.

“Aquamarine. But, you’re right,” Dad said. “It won’t go with the winter part of the Lake Baikal mural.”

Stevie smiled. Arcadia didn’t know she was getting off easy. Bruce and his crew were currently into Hieronymus Bosch.

 

 

After returning from New York, Arcadia took to going up on the azure widow’s walk with the crappy pawn shop guitar she’d had as a girl, thrashing out chords against lines transcribed from napkins and PostIt notes stuffed into purses and backpacks over the years. One evening she received a text message from Arcadia. “Drinks?” it said.

They took an Uber to a dive bar down in the flats. Arcadia wore jeans and a t-shirt. She drank beer, then switched to rye.

“The weird thing is,” she said. “My parents like the murals. They say it’s a break from all that isolation, even if the fish do look like goblins.”

“Weird,” Stevie said.

Arcadia unburdened about the cost of working at Child Protective Services and bombing the LSATs, terrified she’d never get married and have kids the way she’d expected. Also terrified she would, because she’d seen how horribly it could turn out. Afraid she might never have the courage to move out of her parents’ house.

Stevie told Arcadia about Dad at the presentation in the hotel ballroom, film of the expedition projected onto the screen as he explained assistive internet tourism and Lake Baikal, which really is an inland sea. He seemed to forget the audience, but then he had a fear of open spaces, not public speaking. How Bruce had roamed NYC until three in the morning while Stevie got sick smoking half a pack of cigarettes, unable to go beyond the hotel taxi stand to see the band she loved perform in Brooklyn.

They drank far too much. They pledged to sign up for a spin class together and support each other.

Stevie awoke the next morning with a crushing headache in an empty house. After returning from New York, Dad announced that he was going on a trip in actual meatspace to pursue a theory about the Nazca Lines, something about land use agreements writ large. He took off in the care of the guys in baseball caps. Bruce’s confinement had expired and he’d begun attending public high school down in the flats. His drawing skills improved with the great art teacher who demanded original work derived from life experience. Bruce rarely came home.

Nursing the hangover, Stevie skimmed the labyrinthine archeology of Dad’s blog, peering at pictures of the dark compartment of the Land Rover for a glimpse of Dracula prowling the high desert. She searched for clues he might be coming home.

Money wasn’t an issue. Apparently the licensing deal with InvisiCorp had been very lucrative. Dad had suggested she buy a better guitar. Or a music studio. She still had trouble leaving the house.

That evening, she managed to drive to the Waffle Shack, hoping to run into Bruce and his crew. She was that desperate. No Bruce. Just Carol, the waitress.

“Hey,” Carol said. “What would you like?”

“Coffee and wings,” she said. “And a job.” She didn’t know why she said it. It seemed like rock bottom.

Carol pointed to a sign on the door. Help wanted. “You got experience?”

She could already see it. Starting up the old open mic. Trading shifts to accommodate band practice. Heartbreak and disappointment and suffering. Paralyzing fear until the instant she started to play.

It made her fingers itch. The trick not looking down.

“Yeah. I got experience,” she said.

 

 

 

 

ROBERT P. KAYE’s stories have appeared in Penn Review, Potomac Review, Hobart, Juked, Fiction Southeast, The Los Angeles Review and elsewhere, with details available at www.RobertPKaye.com. He facilitates the Works in Progress open mic at Hugo House and is a fiction editor at Pacifica Literary Review.

Daniel Galef

 

 

Bunkum was learning how to pull a coin out of someone’s ear. He had a website open on the library computer that said “How to Pull a Coin Out Of Someone’s Ear” at the top. “I’m learning how to pull a coin out of someone’s ear,” he said to the library.

Billings coughed. “You can’t get something for nothing.” Billings was on the computer next to Bunkum. His laminated name tag said “Billings.” They’d never met.

“I know that,” said Bunkum. “It’s magic.” “Stage magic,” he said, so Billings wouldn’t think he was the kind of library wacko who believed in real magic.

“You’re a kind of library wacko,” said Billings, like he was telling Bunkum something, “looking up how to do magic tricks on the computer. I’m doing research.”

“Are you writing a movie?” asked Bunkum, who didn’t care. He didn’t want to keep talking about magic. He didn’t like being called a wacko, even by a different wacko.

“No, I’m doing research,” said Billings, pressing the tab key nine times.

It sounded like Billings wasn’t going to talk again, so Bunkum read the next part of the trick. “Six: Hold the coin up for everyone to see. Say something like ‘He/She has got a coin in his/her ear!’ or ‘Ta Da!’” He held up his coin, which was a quarter. “Ta da!” Bunkum said, quietly so Billings wouldn’t think he was talking to him.

“I’m composing a monograph on the history of ghosts,” said Billings. “I expect it is going to be seminal. Did you know that this library is haunted?”

“I thought you didn’t believe in magic.”

“Ghosts aren’t magic. Don’t be stupid.”

“Sorry.” Bunkum wasn’t liking this conversation very much either. He didn’t like being called stupid, even by a kind of library wacko. And he was pretty sure that ghosts fall under the umbrella of magic.

“Why do you want to pull a coin out of someone’s ear?” said Billings. He scooted his chair closer. “If you want money you should learn how to pull someone’s wallet out of their pocket without them knowing.”

“That’s not a magic trick.”

“Or their watch. I don’t know if that’s the same trick or not, but I saw a magician on a boat who took people’s watches and also their wallets. It might have been two different techniques.”

“I don’t want to steal people’s money. I want to astound them. I want to take a coin right out of their ear and then give it to them for free, like it was really in their ear and it’s theirs. Didn’t your grandpa or somebody ever pull a coin out of your ear?”

“I never had any grandparents,” said Billings, like he never tried a margarita.

“Or somebody. I might have a grandkid someday, or a kid someday, and I decided I want to pull a coin out of his ear.”

“Or her ear.”

“Or her ear,” said Bunkum. “The trick is non-gender-specific.”

“Is it? Golly,” said Billings, who wasn’t trying to hide he was having fun.

“Because everyone has ears, see.”

“I doubt everyone has ears,” said Billings.

“Most people have ears. If my grandkid doesn’t have any ears I can pull a coin out of his nose. Or her nose.”

“That’s a very versatile magic trick.”

“Thank you,” said Bunkum, like it was a compliment. That annoyed Billings.

“Anyway, I don’t think that would surprise me, for someone to pull a coin out of my ear,” said Billings. “I bet I would say, ‘I don’t think you really pulled a coin out of my ear. I bet you had that coin the whole time.’ That’s what I would say, I bet.”

“I don’t want to surprise you,” Bunkum said. “I want to astound people. Different people. And astound them, not surprise. It’s more.”

“No, I think ‘surprise’ is more. Like, ‘whoa, what a surprise!’ That’s what I’d say if a magician stole my wallet.”

“Astound sounds more impressive,” Bunkum said. He was really riled now. “As-tound! As-TOUND!” Some people in the other desks were looking over. “Astound,” Billings said. Bunkum looked at the next step on the screen. “Seven: Take a bow (optional).” He figured he didn’t need to practice that. He went back to step three, which was the whole trick actually, and tried to pull the quarter out of his own ear. The angle was funny, and he dropped it. It rolled right to the air vent under the desk.

The quarter didn’t fall into the vent. It lay flat across two khaki-colored slats. When Bunkum grabbed at it his pinky knocked the coin down the hole. “Shit,” Bunkum said.

“That should be your magic word,” said Billings. Bunkum said nothing. “‘Shit,’ I mean,” said Billings. Bunkum didn’t reply. “You step up onto the stage, drop a quarter down the vent, and say, ‘Shit.’” Bunkum was silent. “Applause,” said Billings.

“Fuck you,” said Bunkum.

A couple of minutes went by.

“Why don’t you write a seminal monograph on shit,” said Bunkum.

“I did.” Billings squeaked his monitor so it was pointing at Bunkum and Bunkum read: “On the Social History of Copromastics and Analytic Scatometry.”

Bunkum read the first paragraph, then pulled down the scrollbar on the side of the screen to read the second. The bar was tiny, a pellet. The monograph must have been a hundred pages. “You’re more a wacko than I’m a wacko,” said Bunkum.

“I’m the ghost of a world-famous stage magician. Five hundred years ago I fell off a cruise ship and drowned. I haunt this library and pull ghost coins out of people’s ears and hide them down the vents.”

“Ghost coins.”

“Yeah, like pirate doubloons and buffalo nickels.”

“I’m going back to my research.” Bunkum pulled on the word so Billings would know he was just as serious about pulling coins out of ears as Billings was about shit, or ghosts, which weren’t real anyway, or if they were real they would certainly qualify as magic.

Bunkum got really into his magic trick, working step three over and over again until he could do it five times in a row without dropping the quarter. A librarian came to tell him the library was closing. Bunkum pulled a coin out of the librarian’s ear. “You have to go home,” said the librarian. “Ta da,” said Bunkum. All of the other desks were empty, including the one Billings had been in.

Bunkum left the library with a print-out of the webpage he had been looking at. “What a heck of a library wacko,” he said to himself out loud, and laughed. He felt for his wallet but it wasn’t there. He was astounded!

 

 

 

 

DANIEL GALEF has written a gaggle of short stories, a gallimaufry of poems, four and a half plays (including a musical), crossword puzzles, comic strips, ransom notes, a dictionary definition (Merriam-Webster, “interfaculty,” adj.[2]), and the only true fortune cookie fortune in the world which happens to be the fortune you’re going to get the next time you get a fortune cookie. His most recent fiction appears in the American Bystander, Bards and Sages Quarterly, Barnhouse, and Bull & Cross.

 

 

This story incorporates text from the WikiHow article “How to Pull a Coin Out Of an Ear: 10 Steps (With Pictures)”