Storybook Romance

Eirik Gumeny

In the bright, garden-choked suburbs of northern New Jersey, there lives a princess. She is six-years old, a spastic fairy in a pink dress and a plastic tiara, dancing and skipping and waving her magic wand at everybody that walks by. And they all wave right back, smiling at the little sweetheart as she laughs and jumps and giggles and rolls across the lawn, playing with the boy next door.

The boy next door, with his cardboard sword and his broomstick stallion, her knight in hand-me-down denim. Doing his absolute best to defend her from the dragons they imagine and the Disney-diluted witches that might try to do them harm.

The parents stand shoulder to shoulder on the sun-porch, joking and whispering. Our brave knight, our little princess. Wouldn’t it be funny, they say, see you at the wedding, neighbor. Whisper and kid about first kisses, holding hands, an immaculate prom night. Smiling and waving and never giving an honest thought to the kids in the basement-boxed costumes. To the princess and her unrelenting smile, the one that says she knows she will be beautiful. To the clean-cut knight and his attempts at perfect posturing, the noble stance he tries hard to maintain.

The parents laugh some more and sigh and walk away, back to half-filled ledgers and still-potted plants, to thawing chicken and a busted head gasket. Forget about the cigarette-stained bars and back alleys, about asinine ideas hatched in college dorms and coffeehouses; forget all the beds and couches and cars, the cops and courts and dead friends and ex-wives and the world that always got in the way. Laugh and sigh and walk away.

And the kids keep make-believing, everyone playing pretend right along with them. There are castles to build and trolls to fight and daylight to burn. The knight doesn’t notice the sugar-fed delirium in her tiny green eyes, the unstable fury proclaiming that one day, one distant day, all the men she comes across are in for a world of hurt. And the princess can’t see the streak of idealism apparent on his face, the Boy Scout attitude that will get him knocked to the ground time and again.

And the passers-by keep passing by, never giving a second thought to the princess and her grass-stained knees, not concerned about the knight with the tangled hair. About the girl who wants the stars and the boy who wants to give them to her.

Smiling and waving and no one will look long enough to see the restless nights and the heated words, the void she’ll try to fill with whatever and whomever she can find, the broken lamp and the bloodied fists and his inability to sleep in an empty apartment. No one will look long enough to see anything, except a princess chasing butterflies and the boy next door who sits there staring after her.

“Storybook Romance” originally appeared online at amphibi.us in 2010.

EIRIK GUMENY was a boxing kangaroo who died, tragically and violently, in the ring in 1923, fighting Teddy Roosevelt and a time-traveling Muhammad Ali. Find out more at www.egumeny.com.

An Audible Apocalypse

Like most of you, we’re excited that next month we’ll finally be able to enjoy The Great Gatsby as F. Scott Fitzgerald originally envisioned it: in 3-D! Not to be left behind, JDP’s most popular title, Exponential Apocalypse, is now available in, uh, 1-D. Wait, is sound a dimension? Fuck it, the point is they made an audio book out of Eirik Gumeny’s debut novel, read by Lee Ann Howlett, and you can get it NOW over at Audible. I think I speak for everyone at JDP when I say, “How fucking cool is that?”

The Gumenymania continues as Eirik has also released a chap book, Boy Meets Girl, through Kattywompus Press. We’re told that it’s uncharacteristically lacking in poop jokes and f-bombs, but we’re down with that. Consider it his Nebraska and go get your copy.

Ten (kinda) Important Things to Know for 2013

Shouldn't Santa have sent the Bumblebeast as Rudolph's back up?

You’ve got a Twilight Zone marathon to watch so we’ll keep this as brief as possible. First: Chris Sims over at Comics Alliance covers this in wonderful detail, but we still want to remind the adults of the world not to laugh at small children who look goofy. One of them might be the Baby New Year who’ll run away forcing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (aided by Ben Franklin, a Caveman, and Frank Gorshin) to do battle with a giant, ancient vulture in order to save all of time and space. ‘Cause that’s what happens when people are shitty to little kids who look different. So don’t be shitty.

Second (and completely unrelated): we’re doing another novella contest. We’ll throw an announcement up on Duotrope toward the end of January, but we’re telling you first because you read this site and therefore are awesome. You can check out last year’s rules to get a general idea of what we’re looking for, but note that for 2013, we’re upping the word limit to a minimum of 15,000 and a max of 25,000. Also, no runner-up this year, just a literary fight to the death for first place and publication in our June Issue. Novella contest submissions open February 1st and close March 31st. (Sending us a novella before that will piss us off and cause you to lose.) Go read last year’s winners and write something equally awesome (but obviously different.)

Third: we’ve also got special poetry and Lovercraft issues on tap for 2013. Get writing.

Fourth: our founding editor needs new lungs. Seriously. So help out if you can.

Can't Keep a Good Ninja Down

Fifth: back to novellas. Specifically, Jimmy Grist’s amazing “Keeley Kunoichi.” It fills up our December Issue, is all kinds of amazing, and is far more satisfying than getting drunk. So read it tonight. Your liver will thank us.

Sixth: you should also read Laura Garrison’s “The Long Happy New Year of Dora Wellington.” It’s the best New Year’s story we know of that doesn’t involve a giant, ancient vulture kidnapping a baby.

Seventh: stop by Jack’s Music Shoppe and pick up a free copy of Ryan Werner’s Shake Away These Constant Days while their (very, very limited) supply lasts. Not near Red Bank, NJ? Got two bucks? Then Kindle, baby, Kindle.

Eighth: make a resolution…to follow JDP on Twitter. It’s free, easy, and makes us disproportionately happy. During 2012 over 300 new people followed us and almost forty of them stuck around after we rejected their story!

Ninth: video of Steve Austin fighting Bigfoot.

Tenth: that’s it. Be safe. Thanks for reading JDP. Have a great 2013!