Sure, you could finish that TPS report/chapter of your novel for NaNoWriMo/gallbladder surgery you’re performing right now . . . but dammit, you deserve a break.

To that end, we’ve organized this month’s selections by the amount of time it would take an average adult to read them, rounded to the nearest minute. And you know you’re above average, so you’ll read them even faster. (Admit it: you’re going to time yourself.)

Ian Sacks, “Amazing Human Post-It Note,” 2 min.

Sloan Thomas, “Only One Good Reason to Get a Haircut,” 3 min.

Alex Munkacsy, “The Grey Egg,” 3 min.

Lucas Dylan-Frances, “Katelyn,” 4 min.

Michael Schoch, “The Particular Human,” 8 min.

Gary Moshimer, “Saving Jesus,” 12 min.

You really shouldn’t try to rush, though, because (1) these stories are worth savoring, and (2) the sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll have to get back to filling in those spreadsheets/interrogating that suspect/feeding your manticore.

Ah, November. The gratuitous tree nudity; the biting, sleet-flecked wind that slices through our Duck Tales underoos; the dread of our Thanksgiving tofurky being mocked by omnivorous relatives.

But instead of wallowing in our depression like a hippopotamus with seasonal affective disorder, we’ve dedicated ourselves to providing you with an engaging diversion in the form of our November issue. So make yourself a margarita, turn on some ukulele music, and let Lucas Dylan-Frances, Gary Moshimer, Alex Munkacsy, Ian Sacks, Michael Schoch, and Sloan Thomas carry you away like a balmy tropical breeze.

We’re updating our look, but don’t be scared—all your favorite stories are still here, with lots more to come. The November issue will be Slithering Soon onto a Screen Near You, and there are plenty of old favorites to keep you busy until then.