We know: it’s brutal out there. What with the lines and the traffic and the, well, incessant spending of money, life can be pretty rough this time of year and that’s before all the Dean Martin songs enter into the mix.

Don’t worry. Jersey Devil Press has got you covered. Just follow these five simple steps and your holiday shopping will be finished in no time.

1. Remember: nothing looks better underneath the tree than a book with a penis-shaped space ship on the cover.

2. Likewise, nothing stuffs a stocking like a frowning Viking.

3. The world ends in 2012 so you should get the people you love a good book on apocalypses.

4. You’ll need something funny with a cover you can show Grandma.

5. You know that favorite book you’ve had for eighteen months and dog-eared from constant rereading? Treat yourself to another one.